The Era of The Perma-HissyFit

[thoreau]

This morning on my way to work the street level bus system stopped. An entire F trolley had to unload; thankfully we were right next to a underground stop. The driver announced that the F wasn't going anywhere and please disembark - and a good half of the train reacted with outloud expletives and without a word to the driver got off the train. As a group we headed downstairs; where in the Muni turnstyles a homeless man was arguing with police and blocking the turnstyles; the group reacted with more anger and impatience until someone pointed out that their Muni passes work on BART - so a good 20 of us headed through the BART turnstyle down for a train. We get to the bottom of the escalator - and the BART system shows that (god forbid) we'll have to wait five minutes for a train. By the time the train gets there - some of the 20 people from my original F line push themselves aggressively onto the train before folks have a chance to get off. This starts an argument on the BART train that lasts until I get off on Montgomery downtown. On my way to the up escalator - one of the more vocal people in the argument tries to force herself in front of several people. When a man in the line suggests that she not push - she calls him a pig and pushes herself into the group hitting people with her purse all the way up the escalator.

I get to my office and I find myself simply overwhelmed by all the anger. People out there are so angry.

How do we lose sight of the "us" and find ourselves so focused on that effort to secure what we think we must have or deserve that anger is the only response to life? How did we decide that it is okay or acceptable to walk over the backs of others without every looking back?

I used to have a life that was RULED by anger. (just ask bootedintexas or septimuswarren) Everything I did was ruled and managed by blaming, resisting, lashing out to keep myself protected when I felt that my stake in how things should go was not being taken into account. While I may have had well-thought-out reasons for attempting to strong-arm others to get my way, in the end - my behavior was a decade long old-fashioned, pain-inducing, self-centered hissy fit. and I feel that (with a different perspective nowadays) I'm recognizing that hissy fit mentality in the people around me every single moment. (particularly recently) It's like our society is stuck in a perma-hissy fit.

What is the antidote?

Well - that antidote to anger (hatred, intolerance, and wishing others ill for any reason) is finding some way to regain a sense of openness so that you can act with compassion.

Aggressive falls away when you are able to stop, breathe and take a giant step back in order to enlarge your perspective on what is upsetting you. It is always possible to take one more step back to enlarge your perspective on what makes you angry. If your compassion hasn't returned, you have not stepped back far enough.

And it is not easy. Compassion can be really, really, really hard when you think about all the people and situations you find infuriating. Acting compassionately doesn't neccesarily mean being sweet and nice, or giving all your stuff or power away. In Buddhist thought, compassion is synonymous with skillful action, action that is rooted in seeing reality from the largest perspective possible. When you have the proper perspective, you know without thinking what the next right action is.

I wish there was a way to encourage folks to take that step back mentally (and perhaps physically) the next time they react to something like a broken F line train; or the slowness of the line for the escalator; or the long line at starbucks.... and even big picture issues - taking a step back when you hear hate speech, or when you watch an electorate vote your rights away. Anger is an expected human response. I get that - and accept it. But when anger is your only response - perhaps it is time to take that step back and widen your perspective.

The true antidote to anger is knowing how to create time, no matter how brief, between what you observe and feel and what you think. This gap is quite precious. It contains the ever-present opportunity to hear the truth, work with difficult feelings, offer what is needed, and change destructive habits. With it, you always have a choice about how you feel and how you act.

I am hardly a role model in this situation. I react with anger still; and when it does surface people around me notice because I work so hard to keep my emotional responses in the compassion-zone vs. the hissy fit zone. (ah therapy terms.... good times) Since I've worked to de-anger my life - I realize that like a reformed smoker or a an addict that has given up his/her favorite drug... that I react to unrestrained anger in others much more compassionately. but - that doesn't mean I have accept it - but I can find the strength to ask "why are you so angry about this?" vs. simply dismissing them because they are angry.

I understand anger - it's part of me - and it's part of you. Managing it - and finding a path of compassion is the way to navigate the world with the best of yourself in the lead.