learning to walk all over again....
Nov. 21st, 2010 08:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thoreauI get teased (nicely) a lot about how many things I work on at the same time - projects, ideas, novels, recipes, spiritual exploration - etc. Many people remarking that just reading my prolific esoterica is tiring; leave alone actually doing all of it. The last year or so has been a series of goals that have really worked for me. and the over-arching pace - purposefully - has been to walk instead of run. I spent my 20s and 30s on the run - too busy and too hurried. and this year's overarching goal was to slow to a walk and enjoy some of the scenery around me more, soak in the scent of falling leaves, watch basil grow. And trust me - stopping myself and reeling it back has been a hard thing to address.
Native Americans pursue vision quests, Aborigines do walk abouts. Both of these cultures know that walking clears the head. Too often in our 'modern' culture we mistake the head for the source of all wisdom rather than the manufacturer of malcontent. so my goal in the last year was to do as Thoreau might have suggested and slowly worked to move life to a walk - down from a sprint or a jog.
Part of the fear of the choices I made in the last year - were because I get so linear. I get so focused on "how do I accomplish this in "this many" weeks?" or by this month I'll be thinner or by this month I'll rewrite my work - always with the linear. Everything we touch and think about is energy. Ideas are simply organized energy - they create a kind of jello mould that more solid energy can be poured into. I'm a writer - so in my case a story or a book begins as an idea. As writers we cast our dreams and desires ahead of ourselves, as we move towards them, the ideas create content.
so the first task in slowing down and walking was letting it be okay to do nothing. (smile) It's okay to come home on a weekday evening and NOT write, or NOT learn code, or NOT have a post-work day task. You'd think with musical training I'd understand the value of resting. Oversing - or simply talk all day without caring for your voice - and it sounds like Sam Elliot and Harvey Fierstein had a lovechild. Right? so - first came not letting myself set more than one task per evening after work on the weeknights. and that has stuck - piano night is JUST that - piano night. I do allow myself to workout in an evening - and then come home and work on a theme. but I've simplified that - Tuesdays and Wednesdays have been writing nights. Thursday has been my date with myself - going to the grocer on the way home - and then after my workout - cooking something new. On Thursdays I can cook with onions nad cream and things David isn't a fan of, because Thursday is the date with myself.
but now comes the hardest part - simplifying this routine down to where I can allow myself a completely unplanned night. Come home, walk the dog - feed the little goddess, then get to the gym - and home at 745, 8pm and allow myself to not doing something that points to a goal - pick up a random book, watch Youtube videos all night on the computer, no agenda.
and idea of walking has been literal too. I've been luxuriating in my new work routine - taking a bike ride in the mornings and in the evenings, and on my date night? walking. so I can completely slow down. The truth is that those kinds of purposeful escapes hold a lot of solutions. My handwritten diary literally has a new section (boxed on the page) "what did I walk through today" - meaning - what situation did I walk off, walk through, breathe and stroll to the right solution.
It was really difficult for me to be patient to find the "right" new job, as miserable as I was at the radio stations. but the whole emphasis on walking to the goal versus sprinting - even affected that decision. I turned down interviews based on hunches; I got turned away at interviews where I was in over my head. Its not like 2010 was my first year looking for new work - I used to mark myself by how many craigslist ads I'd answered - how many jobs I'd applied for - I'd started looking in 2008 - and even more intensely in 2009 after layoffs crippled morale and the work started doing tidal waves. but it wasn't until this year - when I decided to walk it off, that the 'right' pieces fell.
A favorite quote of mine is by William Yeats, he says, "In dreams begin responsibility. Our dreams become real when we are true to them." Whenever I catch myself wanting to pick up the pace, I remember that I remain no less committed to a task or a goal if I walk towards instead of sprint. As we take the next small step, the bigger steps move a notch closer to us, actually downsizing as they move.
In my meditation practice - many teachers talk about the stereotypical "the journey is the point, not the destination." I worry sometimes so much about how to reach a destination or a goal that i've stood still instead of continuing to walk. And that is even worse than sprinting at a goal.
When I was describing this to a friend of my recently - he laughed and he said, "honey you're just growing up and learning how to get the things you want, thats what we do in our forties."
I don't know about that - this year (my 43rd) has felt revelatory. Where in years past - the amount of change that has happened (new job, no car, bicycling everywhere, new novel, sudden opportunity to address the first novel, etc....) would have simply sent me into a drama vortex; this year is where I think I realized that if I walked and hit a stumbling block - I'd simply step over it and keep going - rather than when I was sprinting, I would stumble, skin my knee and get all pissed off.
I'm very thankful for the lessons of this past year. I realize it's not a coincidence that my husband has been 'walking' for decades and is a good influence and calm confidant. My life is a lot simpler and a lot less about looking to break the ribbon at the end of a race I couldn't find the end of.
I realize this turned into a longer post - and most scrolled past my esoteric psychobabble. (no harm no foul, right?)
But I am very thankful. and its one of those quiet dark late fall nights. I've got jazz playing (Deborah Cox's shockingly good Dinah Washington tribute album, "Destination Moon"). This topic has been on my mind for a long while - so I was glad to get it out there here on LJ. because well - there'll be a few of you this will resonate with and we'll have some nice chatter about walking. :)
Ya'll be well now? :)
Native Americans pursue vision quests, Aborigines do walk abouts. Both of these cultures know that walking clears the head. Too often in our 'modern' culture we mistake the head for the source of all wisdom rather than the manufacturer of malcontent. so my goal in the last year was to do as Thoreau might have suggested and slowly worked to move life to a walk - down from a sprint or a jog.
Part of the fear of the choices I made in the last year - were because I get so linear. I get so focused on "how do I accomplish this in "this many" weeks?" or by this month I'll be thinner or by this month I'll rewrite my work - always with the linear. Everything we touch and think about is energy. Ideas are simply organized energy - they create a kind of jello mould that more solid energy can be poured into. I'm a writer - so in my case a story or a book begins as an idea. As writers we cast our dreams and desires ahead of ourselves, as we move towards them, the ideas create content.
so the first task in slowing down and walking was letting it be okay to do nothing. (smile) It's okay to come home on a weekday evening and NOT write, or NOT learn code, or NOT have a post-work day task. You'd think with musical training I'd understand the value of resting. Oversing - or simply talk all day without caring for your voice - and it sounds like Sam Elliot and Harvey Fierstein had a lovechild. Right? so - first came not letting myself set more than one task per evening after work on the weeknights. and that has stuck - piano night is JUST that - piano night. I do allow myself to workout in an evening - and then come home and work on a theme. but I've simplified that - Tuesdays and Wednesdays have been writing nights. Thursday has been my date with myself - going to the grocer on the way home - and then after my workout - cooking something new. On Thursdays I can cook with onions nad cream and things David isn't a fan of, because Thursday is the date with myself.
but now comes the hardest part - simplifying this routine down to where I can allow myself a completely unplanned night. Come home, walk the dog - feed the little goddess, then get to the gym - and home at 745, 8pm and allow myself to not doing something that points to a goal - pick up a random book, watch Youtube videos all night on the computer, no agenda.
and idea of walking has been literal too. I've been luxuriating in my new work routine - taking a bike ride in the mornings and in the evenings, and on my date night? walking. so I can completely slow down. The truth is that those kinds of purposeful escapes hold a lot of solutions. My handwritten diary literally has a new section (boxed on the page) "what did I walk through today" - meaning - what situation did I walk off, walk through, breathe and stroll to the right solution.
It was really difficult for me to be patient to find the "right" new job, as miserable as I was at the radio stations. but the whole emphasis on walking to the goal versus sprinting - even affected that decision. I turned down interviews based on hunches; I got turned away at interviews where I was in over my head. Its not like 2010 was my first year looking for new work - I used to mark myself by how many craigslist ads I'd answered - how many jobs I'd applied for - I'd started looking in 2008 - and even more intensely in 2009 after layoffs crippled morale and the work started doing tidal waves. but it wasn't until this year - when I decided to walk it off, that the 'right' pieces fell.
A favorite quote of mine is by William Yeats, he says, "In dreams begin responsibility. Our dreams become real when we are true to them." Whenever I catch myself wanting to pick up the pace, I remember that I remain no less committed to a task or a goal if I walk towards instead of sprint. As we take the next small step, the bigger steps move a notch closer to us, actually downsizing as they move.
In my meditation practice - many teachers talk about the stereotypical "the journey is the point, not the destination." I worry sometimes so much about how to reach a destination or a goal that i've stood still instead of continuing to walk. And that is even worse than sprinting at a goal.
When I was describing this to a friend of my recently - he laughed and he said, "honey you're just growing up and learning how to get the things you want, thats what we do in our forties."
I don't know about that - this year (my 43rd) has felt revelatory. Where in years past - the amount of change that has happened (new job, no car, bicycling everywhere, new novel, sudden opportunity to address the first novel, etc....) would have simply sent me into a drama vortex; this year is where I think I realized that if I walked and hit a stumbling block - I'd simply step over it and keep going - rather than when I was sprinting, I would stumble, skin my knee and get all pissed off.
I'm very thankful for the lessons of this past year. I realize it's not a coincidence that my husband has been 'walking' for decades and is a good influence and calm confidant. My life is a lot simpler and a lot less about looking to break the ribbon at the end of a race I couldn't find the end of.
I realize this turned into a longer post - and most scrolled past my esoteric psychobabble. (no harm no foul, right?)
But I am very thankful. and its one of those quiet dark late fall nights. I've got jazz playing (Deborah Cox's shockingly good Dinah Washington tribute album, "Destination Moon"). This topic has been on my mind for a long while - so I was glad to get it out there here on LJ. because well - there'll be a few of you this will resonate with and we'll have some nice chatter about walking. :)
Ya'll be well now? :)
