thoreau

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results."

One of the things that always captured my imagination as a kid was the lives of early explorers. Growing up in the Pacific Northwest - we were encouraged to romanticize Lewis and Clark. and being a Boy Scout - we learned how to use a compass and a map. I actually was the Pioneering guy at Scout Camp for two years - teaching cooking, orienteering, wilderness survival - all that butch scout shit. The things we do to get next to furry Scoutmasters! Some of my earliest crushes were on Scoutmasters - with their furry legs and beards. (swoon)

Anyway - one of the things my therapist has me working right now - is the idea of reorientation. The art of using a compass and a map to navigate is called orientation. So - when my therapist brought the idea up - it created a romantic thought puzzle. Being here by the ocean - surrounded by undiscovered territory both physically and emotionally and spiritually is a lot to take in. The truth is that it is very difficult to reorient your life around your values. For me it feels selfish - and indulgent - to craft a life that has nothing to do with how other people fit into it. So it's been a hard thing.

I've posted over the past few weeks about sex - about feeling freedom. and some thoughful brothers on the path suggested that my thoughts still echo'd of knowing what makes me excited - knowing what I want - but not feeling like I deserve those things. That was some thoughtful - and difficult stuff to process. I discussed that particular "comment" with my therapist - and my lifecoach - and both are working on it with me.

From a very early age - my deepest passions were stomped on. They were too feminine. I was thinking "too big." there was a long list of other reasons why who I really wanted to be was being contained and restrained. (and it's one theory I have behind why I enjoy bondage so much, but that's another topic) So now - like I had when Jon left me in Idaho - have this tremendous opportunity to do things DIFFERENTLY. My therapist calls the the breakups with Jon and Rick - my rocket engines. The breakup with Jon after 11 years was liftoff - it spun me away from Cape Canaveral at light speed and then gravity started to tug - and I fell back on old patterns - and I started to fall backwards - and Rick broke up with me - now we've achieved seperation from the main rocket - and I'm firing my booster rockets to take me into orbit.

Now it's not to mean that these rockets are taking me away from Rick and Jon emotionally. I'm good friends with Jon - and despite the universe sized expanse of emotional space I have put between me and Rick.. he's still there too.

But now that I'm headed into orbit - or perhaps Deep Space... I need a new compass and a new map - I need to redefine how my life is oriented. and that goal - that path. is worth the turmoil of the last three years. and I know that I'm coming to it stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually than I could have at any other time.

I had a latenight chat conversation with my friend Paul (

blt4success66) - and he said to me that he thought I was becoming a much stronger person. I didn't want to accept that compliment - - because I still have days where waves of "what the fuck" hit me. Paul and I have such different lives - but we both deal with a lot of the same issues. He's dealing with a tidal wave of "what the fuck" right now. and I'm glad we support each other on the path.

The difference on this most recent reorientation work - is that it's that I'm redrawing the map, not picking a new point on the map and trying to get there. I've erased the longitude and latitudes - and am redrawing the entire goddamn map. and that's some powerful stuff.