(no subject)

In my buddhist offerings book - today's quote is "...to take for permanent what is transitory is like the delusion of a madman..." Next to it on the page is the picture of a raging river - filled with the colours of melting glaciers. I laughed and literally said to the book as if it were live object "Well good morning to you too Mr. Grumpypants - aren't we being a bit HARSH?"

I've been sitting here in silence for an hour or two. listening to someone bang with a hammer somewhere - at 7am? listening to a man sing in the shower in the next building over... it was great - i heard the water turn on - and then he's singing this jig (i don't know the particular song, but he's truly into it... at 8am. He's still banging at 9am. what is he hammering so intently that he's been at it for 2 hours. I keep waiting for someone to scream out of a window - "stop the goddamn banging!" I've been sipping coffee and just enjoying being cuddled up on the couch with a blanket on my legs and Miss Kate is dreaming of smells and stuff to hung on SniffPatrol.

In the past year I've been working hard on being gentler. god I can be harsh on myself and others. I do love tilting at windmills - and becoming convinced that they are "permanent" when they are actually "transitory". One of my favorite lines in my writing over the years is "...these are the mysteries worth seeking for, and some I will never know. but the ones I have chosen to stare into have never let me go."

I sat here this morning thinking (perhaps over thinking as I'm prone to do) about past boyfriends: Dennis in Seattle, Jon in Boise, Rick here in San Francisco. I realized I am the age now - that Dennis was when we met. We dated for 9 intense sexually charged months. There are lots of great memories of performing together in the men's chorus talent show as "vern and merle - the original white trash gay couple" and the day trip to Mt. Rainier where we had sex multiple times while driving the parameter road. With Jon - it was remembering coming home to a full house (all three of his sisters were visiting) with my cancer diagnosis - and spending that cold winter in Seattle getting treated. Jon and I moved to Boise in 1999 - and I remember setting up the home on Liverpool, decorating every inch of it - and creating a real garden. I remember starting up the gay couples supper club - and helping couples who didn't think there were THAT many gay couples - come to parties with once 60 people in attendance. And with Rick - our overtly romantic first date.... a five day trip to Yosemite. and our first dinner at The Anchor on Market Street.

All of these memories remind me how wonderful it can be to walk the path with a companion. It's also got me thinking about the last year single - and how curiously enough. I don't see myself heading towards wanting a relationship right now in my life. and I wonder if in the scheme of things I'll look back on the memories I'm making right now with the same warm smile as the times with the boys do.

For the first time that I can remember - I'm making plans for vacations by myself - projects for myself - goals for just me. Everyday in my meditation - I use a mantra. Not surprisingly - it's usually a thoreau quote. lately it's been: "As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness." I was talking to bukephalus and djmadadam about the use of a mantra - and for a long while used a different quote. But when the new year came - I changed mantras. Tried to bring my peacefulness regimen to a new direction. solitude will not be solitude, weakness will not be weakness. I saw the way I fell hard romantically/emotionally in 2007 as a great deal of weakness on my part at first. the biggest transformation in the last year was learning to turn that around and see my vulnerability and ability to love as an asset. I just need to do better in learning that life is a transitory journey, and not a permanent one.

Making that turnaround - mind you - from being black and white and a life based in the concept of permanency - to one of living in the now and not placing expectations on tomorrow - leave alone today. is not easy - nor do I think it's entirely achievable. but it's worth exploring. as long as when I stare into it? I can summon the strength to be able to let it go as well.