(#41/365) Offerings

"When we limit ourselves with low expectations, the growth of the tree of happiness ceases. The power of growth, of improvement, the power to overcome all stagnation and break through every obstacle and transform a barren wasteland into a verdant field--that unstoppable power of hope resides right within your own heart. It wells up from the rich earth of your innermost being when you face the future without doubt or fear: "I can do more. I can grow. I can become a bigger and better human being." Life is a never-ending struggle to grow." - Daisaku Ikeda


Title: Nubes y arco iris
Flickr User guervos

a tidal wave of the now...

The morning train has a standalone seat in each car its across from where crew can store luggage... and it's never been open before. (I get on at the third stop on the route and this coveted quiet space is usually gobbled up) but this morning - I scored this little commuter's retreat and am enjoying the slightly larger window and the view of the pennisula as we speed our way north.

I've woke up in a mood that can only be described as overwhelming thankfulness. and that probably sounds a little weird. it does to me just typing it. but it's palpable.

One of the biggest changes in my life in the last say - - decade or so - is working on peacefulness. I have always been an anxious, scared to stay still - aerobic thinker. I'm not sure where along the way - but I'd been trained always to strive for "more" or "what's next" to the point where it became difficult to concentrate on the now at all - because I was always looking for the next.

I was at the gym yesterday - and watching interviews with NFL players while on the treadmill - and a player said that he had experienced that it doesn't hit a player that he's won the Super Bowl till March or April - that it's common for players on Super Bowl teams to show up at the practice facility for workouts for several weeks after the big game - because they are trained as athletes to get ready for the next opponent. and that suddenly it hits them - that there are no more games, no other opponent till the fall when preseason play starts back up. and how - even though they just WON the Super Bowl - players can go into a depression of sorts over not having that next goal to overcome.

I thought was an interesting point-of-view - and a allegory for life all the way around. How many of us spend time on Craigslist or job boards dreaming about our "next" job - and don't optimize and try to get the most out of the job we have? How many of us dream about what a relationship might be like - rather than asking for that in the relationship we have? how many times do you look back at a breakup with a boyfriend and think that if you'd only communicated your needs better - or done a better job at listening to his? How many of us came out - and once we experienced our sexuality - kept looking for ways to make it hotter - and find that next sexual encounter - or experience that yet more intense experience?

I wonder how much of our lives we are forgetting to live in the right now - in hopes of the 'next' being so much better. My spiritual path with Buddhism and meditation tries to be grounded in the now - and that concept for me has been really hard to (with lack of better word) deprogram in myself. Releasing myself from the "e" word - Expectations - - and learning to soak in the palmolive that is this instant. The now. and let the next figure itself out (because it's going to anyhow).

now this isn't to say that I don't set goals for myself..... for instance, my current set include a 32" waist by my 43rd birthday, learning and actually USING PhP in my job without assistance, and actually accomplishing a savings plan that lets me go on a well-earned vacation with Dave before the end of the year. I'm not totally blind to the "next" - but I'm learning (slowly but surely) not to be obsessed by it. That I think is the big change.

I spent last evening in the company of some LOVELY friends - who are just overwhelmingly loving and people that I really connect with. and that's what started this avalanche of thankfulness I'm experiencing. I took Miss Kate with me over to Randy and Allan's to watch a movie with Allan, Randy and Larry. and what a gift it is to just be able to be 200% yourself with friends and not worry about anything. and the comfort of knowing they are absolutely doing the same thing. and Miss Kate was wondering from person to person - getting extra love last night - and was just a very happy puppy.

We got home late (we watched the world's most bizarre movie, "The Loved One", IMDB it - it's a rare powerful oddity) - - and there was Dave in the living room - reading his book and it felt so good to come home to him. It was a bit of role reversal - because usually I'm in bed before he gets home at night (he works swings - and then dances four nights a week) so for me to come home last was interesting. Miss Kate ran in to greet to him - and he and I talked about our day - but I was quick to get the teeth brushed and head to bed. but it was so nice to know he'd be in to velcro up in a few hours. I woke up this morning and headed into my study to meditate.

I lit the incense stick and sat there. and that's when I realized the thankfulness that was rolling around in my head. "be thankful" seemed to be where my head was this morning. So - I moved from the floor of the study where I meditate to the shower - and kept thinking about it. and before I broke my arm patting myself on the back - got lost in goals and my 'goddamn wallet and budget' and other grumbles.

I put Miss Kate up on the bed, kissed David goodbye and headed out on the walk to the train - - and there it came again - this wave of thankfulness. I noticed that it was light on my walk to the train - I was no longer walking to the train in the dark. The coffee shop was abandoned - and I got my coffee quickly - but stopped to solve the question/discussion the baristas were having. ("what is aeoli") and I walked up to the platform for the train - and I just realized I was doing this little dance in my head trying to focus on the now - and not beating myself up for not being perfect at it all the time.

Anyone that knows me - knows I'm my worst and harshest critic. I can be extremely hard on myself for any number of reasons. (more programming to be undone! Love myself and care for myself more - judge myself, punish myself less!)

but - it's a big thing for me to even be noticing the now - and the thankfulness that comes with doing as Thoreau says and "sucking the marrow out of life" - instead of leaving so much meat on the bones in a rush to get to the next course.

I know I rambled a bit this morning - but (giggle) if you know me at all - you know that's my schtick too. Be well!