agreements....

[thoreau]

Okay - I've been revisiting Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" - after I reccomended the book to a customer over the weekend. Ruiz (using Toltec stories and legends) tries to help people identify the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. As with most self-help, personal journey statements - his stuff is a lot easier said than done in real time.

Here is the summary of Ruiz's "Four Agreements":

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

(pausing so you can read those four at least once all the way through without skimming. take your time)

Okay..... You might read these and say "whats the big deal muffin man - this all makes common sense - guh+duh! This is just stupid self help crap" Wow - reader! Lighten up! (giggle) I do agree that to a certain extent self help stuff is laiden with simplicities and sometimes yes - crap.

But - lets have fun and simply discuss these shall we?



#1 - Be Impeccable in your Word
This (when I was younger) was a challenge - I was always talking to impress or even outright exaggerate to make my point. While now in my 40s - I am still prone to some exaggeration and theatrics; I do try to live by this one. I try my best to never gossip or speak about people in a way that I wouldn't right to their face. Now this doesn't make me Mr. Popular - but then that's not the goal. The goal is to be on a path of truth and love - and the folks that are naturally going to be attracted to your energy in that space - will be. But we also have to be prepared for folks that aren't attracted to that energy and will come at with weapons. I also try not to get caught up in the gay sarcasti-wit that is so prevalent in our little subculture. It seems if we're not knocking something or "oooh grrrl" about something - we're not seen as witty or relevant. Well - thats my little view anyway. But - I notice that when I cease that kind of behavior - others that don't get the sarcasta-lifestyle end up in the life with me - and walking a path with little or none of that. Yay!

okay - onto #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally
Who is Ruiz think he's kidding? This is the toughest of things for me - particularly since my lifetime of programming that if something fails it's entirely my fault and therefore a personal failure. Ruiz says "What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." OMG what a dream world that would be - to be immune to the opinions and actions of others. It truly would be an end to a lot of self induced suffering and anquish. I find myself being reactive to people rather than responsive - and I know that is a shortcoming. But - - I also have to own and try to realize that I'm only responsible for me -a nd shouldn't be preaching to others how they should be or how they should be acting - - let them project their 'own reality, their own dream." Of the four agreements - this is the one that is really the toughest for me. How about you?

#3 - Don't Make Assumptions
This has become easier in my life as I get older... I guess if I don't want people to make assumptions about me - I don't make assumptions about other people. None of is perfect - if I see someone on the street - I sometimes let my first impression rule whether I say "good morning" to them or not - when I should - in holding true to this agreement - assume he/she are having a great morning and won't pepper spray me if I say "good morning".

(not that this particular example has ever happened but it's a nice mental picture huh? good morning (spray) AAUUUUGH OH MY GOD)

But assumptions can get us in lots of trouble. say we're cruising Manhunt and we see older mature guy with dark eyes, big mustache and muscular body. his looks make us say "big muscle daddy - wants to hurt me and dominate me." Now - what if you meet this guy expecting to be hurt and dominated and he calls you "Sir" through the whole coffee date and asks YOU to chain him to the bed and sleep with his face in YOUR crotch.
We are then guilty of assumptions which led to expectations - which are now swirling around in your head in real time.

so - this one can be a silent but deadly defeater - so it's something to watch out for.

Okay - and finally - #4 - Always Do Your Best
Okay - i can hear someone saying this sounds awfully boyscouty - and Ruiz is being lazy by putting this on there. There is some truth to that - but - - - - - ALWAYS is a very strong statement. Not Try - Not Sometimes - but ALWAYS do your best. The Ruiz-ism says "Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret." Some of us - are trained from an early age to achieve great heights of emotional sadism when it comes to self-judgment, self-abuse and regrets. The Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda complex. Particularly creative people can create amazing things - then sit and tear it apart piece by piece until it no longer is what the creative person set out to accomplish. I know that I get in spots with my writing - and my designs for work and other projects where I simply look at something and say "god - bob - that's just a giant heaping pile of nasty excrement" or "god - bob - thats a big bucket of fucked".
I think (for me) that the biggest part of doing your best is allowing it to come through - and not get filtered. Sometimes my best work is spontaneous and just flows out of me - and when my guard is down (that little emotional sadist guard standing in leather ready to whip my enthusiasm down and make me make statements like "a big bucket of fuck") and things just leap to life. Amazing things can happen when you ALLOW yourself to do you best in every situation and don't let things get in the way. (the others in my head gangup on the guard and leave him tied up in the corner - but he likes that)

anyhow - this came out way more rambly and blahblahselfhelpblah than I really intended. But I know there are a few of you out there that might chime up.

What do you all think?