trials and tribulations
Mar. 26th, 2008 08:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thoreau*gavel*
"All rise - this court is now in session - the honorable Hugo O'Moflappy presiding."
"please be seated.... the court will now hear arguments in case #9293 Kateydog v. Muffinman"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
A dapper prosecutor rises and turns to the jury box.
"You'll hear many things today, ladies and gentleman. You'll hear a tale of treats, unfulfilled promises, quick pees at 5am and worst of all.. sleeping in on Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
(horrific gasps of disbelief from the chamber, woman in gallery faints)
"The prosecution will prove that the defendant(points accusingly)deprived Kateydog of her full Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm time; missing out on countless sniffs and smells that my client believes she's entitled to on Wednesday mornings"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
"The prosecution contends that Kateydog has been deprived and mistreated. When the truth is that Miss Kate actually benefited from this morning's delay. We'll show reasonable doubt that Miss Kate was truly violated by my client sleeping for 15 more minutes on Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm..."
"The prosecution calls Kateydog to the stand."
"Now Miss Kate tell us about this morning...."
"Well - it all started last night before bed. When Robert rubbed my belly and told me that Wednesday was Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm. He said we'd go to Stowe Lake and sniff and explore. Then we went to sleep. The alarm wasn't set - and that was my first indication that something horrible was happening. 530am came and went and he still layed there sleeping. I did my patented curlupbodyslam move - and he still remained asleep. I know that it takes 20 minutes to get to Stowe Lake - we usually spend an hour there - and then it takes 20 minutes for us to get back. so the latest he could stay asleep was 620am. Yet at 621am - he had not moved yet. I tried not to panic - so I licked his face. He cuddled me in and muttered "not yet, Miss Kate." Not Yet? had he forgotten that it's Wednesday and we're on a strict schedule for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm? then - it was 623am and he still was not getting up and getting dressed. I started to panic - I nudged his hands, his chin. and still more mumbling and sleeping. by 630am I was ready to pee on him - I was so excited about Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm and here he was sleeping through it! Finally - at 635am - he got out of bed - went the bathroom and, can you believe it - fed the coffee maker before me?"
(gasps in the gallery)
"he fed me kibble and got dressed - and by the time we were out the door it was already 645am. We got to Stowe Lake about 7:05am. He muttered something about making up time by driving like a lunatic - but I was already pissed off. We got out of the car and walked by Stowe Lake. and we're walking together and this guy with a red beard is walking in the park, and Robert stops and says "good morning" - he's such a slut."
"Objection - Argumentative!"
"Sustained, Miss Kate you'll refrain from stating the obvious. Please continue."
"... thank you, your honor. Well - we do our walk and suddenly after crossing the stones at the base of the waterfall he turns down the wrong path, instead of going up the hill like we always do. and he says, "Come on Miss Kate - lets go to the car." It was only 733am, a full 7 minutes early - he was ending Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm 7 minutes early. He took me to the car - and I sulked all the way home. He wouldn't open the window or anything. It was horrible."
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
Defense attorney cross examines Miss Kate:
"...Miss Kate - is it not true that at 4am today you woke up Robert and asked to go out?"
"well, yes...but I don't see...."
"and that after getting Robert up and out on Steiner Street all you did was sniff the sidewalk and try and eat bubblegum stuck to the sidewalk?"
"well, yes.. but I'm...."
"and then once back up in the house - and Robert lifted you up on the bed - you then vomited because you'd been eating grass the night before even though you were asked politely not to?"
"well - yes, but it helps my stomach...."
"and then - at 5am - did you not curl up next to Robert's face and loudly and enthusiastically lick and orally examine your private parts?"
"yes, but..."
"and isn't it true --- that you got a belly rub and a "I love you Miss Kate" at 623am - not a "not yet, Miss Kate" as you just testified?"
"well..."
"Answer the question Miss Kate - did you or did you not get a "I love you Miss Kate" belly rub session at 623am."
(breaks down) "yes! but he still was late getting me to the park for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
"So - isn't it fair to say that between waking him to go out, and waking him to the sound of you licking enthusiastically, and vomiting on his duvet cover.... make up for the 7 minutes you missed at the park this morning for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
"well..."
"and isn't it true that on the way home from the park - you two stopped by the coffee shop where CoffeeBuddyTony had a PUPPARONI treat for you?"
(shocked gasps from the gallery)
"but...."
"We're not talking about butts right now Miss Kate. Did you get the Puparooni treat, Miss Kate?"
"yes."
(dramatic silent pause as the witness is revealed for who she REALLY is)
"the defense has no further questions, your honor"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
"We the jury find the defendant, The Muffin Man, NOT GUILTY your honor."
"All rise - this court is now in session - the honorable Hugo O'Moflappy presiding."
"please be seated.... the court will now hear arguments in case #9293 Kateydog v. Muffinman"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
A dapper prosecutor rises and turns to the jury box.
"You'll hear many things today, ladies and gentleman. You'll hear a tale of treats, unfulfilled promises, quick pees at 5am and worst of all.. sleeping in on Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
(horrific gasps of disbelief from the chamber, woman in gallery faints)
"The prosecution will prove that the defendant(points accusingly)deprived Kateydog of her full Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm time; missing out on countless sniffs and smells that my client believes she's entitled to on Wednesday mornings"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
"The prosecution contends that Kateydog has been deprived and mistreated. When the truth is that Miss Kate actually benefited from this morning's delay. We'll show reasonable doubt that Miss Kate was truly violated by my client sleeping for 15 more minutes on Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm..."
"The prosecution calls Kateydog to the stand."
"Now Miss Kate tell us about this morning...."
"Well - it all started last night before bed. When Robert rubbed my belly and told me that Wednesday was Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm. He said we'd go to Stowe Lake and sniff and explore. Then we went to sleep. The alarm wasn't set - and that was my first indication that something horrible was happening. 530am came and went and he still layed there sleeping. I did my patented curlupbodyslam move - and he still remained asleep. I know that it takes 20 minutes to get to Stowe Lake - we usually spend an hour there - and then it takes 20 minutes for us to get back. so the latest he could stay asleep was 620am. Yet at 621am - he had not moved yet. I tried not to panic - so I licked his face. He cuddled me in and muttered "not yet, Miss Kate." Not Yet? had he forgotten that it's Wednesday and we're on a strict schedule for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm? then - it was 623am and he still was not getting up and getting dressed. I started to panic - I nudged his hands, his chin. and still more mumbling and sleeping. by 630am I was ready to pee on him - I was so excited about Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm and here he was sleeping through it! Finally - at 635am - he got out of bed - went the bathroom and, can you believe it - fed the coffee maker before me?"
(gasps in the gallery)
"he fed me kibble and got dressed - and by the time we were out the door it was already 645am. We got to Stowe Lake about 7:05am. He muttered something about making up time by driving like a lunatic - but I was already pissed off. We got out of the car and walked by Stowe Lake. and we're walking together and this guy with a red beard is walking in the park, and Robert stops and says "good morning" - he's such a slut."
"Objection - Argumentative!"
"Sustained, Miss Kate you'll refrain from stating the obvious. Please continue."
"... thank you, your honor. Well - we do our walk and suddenly after crossing the stones at the base of the waterfall he turns down the wrong path, instead of going up the hill like we always do. and he says, "Come on Miss Kate - lets go to the car." It was only 733am, a full 7 minutes early - he was ending Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm 7 minutes early. He took me to the car - and I sulked all the way home. He wouldn't open the window or anything. It was horrible."
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
Defense attorney cross examines Miss Kate:
"...Miss Kate - is it not true that at 4am today you woke up Robert and asked to go out?"
"well, yes...but I don't see...."
"and that after getting Robert up and out on Steiner Street all you did was sniff the sidewalk and try and eat bubblegum stuck to the sidewalk?"
"well, yes.. but I'm...."
"and then once back up in the house - and Robert lifted you up on the bed - you then vomited because you'd been eating grass the night before even though you were asked politely not to?"
"well - yes, but it helps my stomach...."
"and then - at 5am - did you not curl up next to Robert's face and loudly and enthusiastically lick and orally examine your private parts?"
"yes, but..."
"and isn't it true --- that you got a belly rub and a "I love you Miss Kate" at 623am - not a "not yet, Miss Kate" as you just testified?"
"well..."
"Answer the question Miss Kate - did you or did you not get a "I love you Miss Kate" belly rub session at 623am."
(breaks down) "yes! but he still was late getting me to the park for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
"So - isn't it fair to say that between waking him to go out, and waking him to the sound of you licking enthusiastically, and vomiting on his duvet cover.... make up for the 7 minutes you missed at the park this morning for Kateydog Adventure Wednesdaytm."
"well..."
"and isn't it true that on the way home from the park - you two stopped by the coffee shop where CoffeeBuddyTony had a PUPPARONI treat for you?"
(shocked gasps from the gallery)
"but...."
"We're not talking about butts right now Miss Kate. Did you get the Puparooni treat, Miss Kate?"
"yes."
(dramatic silent pause as the witness is revealed for who she REALLY is)
"the defense has no further questions, your honor"
(dramatic Ironside-style courtroom drama time passing music)
"We the jury find the defendant, The Muffin Man, NOT GUILTY your honor."
