a reminder from David to everyone.....

[thoreau]

So - yesterday the illustrious bukephalus and I were chatting and he came up with a great idea for a holiday special based on David and I's relationship. “How the Jewish Introvert Learned to Love Christmas!” a heart warming special about Dr. Goldberg – who meets a new lover who shows him the magic of Christmas LOL! A treat for the whole family! So I forwarded our conversation to David. Now - first off, David has a cold this week and is (and I qoute) "more cranky than usual" - his response:

"Thanks for the note, Bob. You two miss the point, I'm an introvert. so. no. - Love, Dave"

then this morning he sent me this Atlantic article as a reminder - and said "post it to your blog, thank you." - so - here it is:

(sorry for the lack of cut, LJ is being impossible this morning)

Caring for your Introvert
The habits and needs of a little-understood group
by Jonathan Rauch (From The Atlantic, March 2003)

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

gotta love that man :) yay!³

Comments

[eireangus.livejournal.com]

That was awesome! :)

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I am an introvert, and I approve this message.

Seriously, I always function MUCH better in extrovert settings if I am allowed the time I need to recuperate from them. It's not "Now you get how FABULOUS it is to be like us extroverts, you're cured," it's "You get how fabulous it is to be AMONG us extroverts IF you have your beauty sleep."

But extroverts who hang around like adorable puppies {cough Robert cough} going "Are ya rested up? Are ya? Ready to play?? Can I help ya rest?? Am I being all restful??" Yeah, sorry, not so much. Adorable, but not restful. ;-)

[cluebyfourgirl.livejournal.com]

I love this article.

[jkusters]

Amen.

David, thank you.

[truthfeather.livejournal.com]

So-instead of parties bright lights and cany, a spiritual retreat at a monastery, Check.
I'm the same way David is, though i enjoy socializing, it takes effort for me to stay at the levels of social interaction most others are comfortable with. I tend to feel at home in the deeper waters of interaction, which makes others heads explode.

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

OMG. that is DTP as well. how strange we are both datinng introverts, when we are both clearly quiet contained individuals with no social issues.

[cuyahogarvr.livejournal.com]

This is an incredibly important article. As an introvert, I find it very difficult to describe this to others. This article was sent to me (I think by apparantparadox)shortly after moving in with B and K in an attempt to help me understand some of the dynamics of my own personality as well as the impact of my new relationships on my personality. It also came in handy for B and K in trying to figure me out too.
Nowhere else have I ever found an explanation of why I am the way I am and why I react/respond the way I do.
Truly an "AHa!" moment.
Why not have a "quiet Jewish mathematician shows a worldy goyem the joys and blessings of Hanukkah" kind of holiday?

[mt-yvr.livejournal.com]

At least most of the people in my inner circle get why I vanish randomly. I hit a wall of "ok, enough... not enough energy in this world to keep me going" in socializing.

YAY! I'm an introvert.

Oddly.

:P

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

"The Magic of Christmas" doesn't have to involve others. You can still show him what it means to hold Christmas in your heart the year through without dragging him into crowds.

I have faith in your ability. And hope. But bloody little charity, and no chastity at all, and - what were the other cardinal virtues?

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

Why, yes, how strange that the IDENTICAL TWINS are both dating introverts! Maybe it's genetic.

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

But it mentions nothing about bipolar-version, which swings madly from intro- to extra- at the drop of a hat...

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

nah. then that would mean we are both gay.

OMG! we're both gay.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I meant to say something like your first paragraph. Christmas can be quite introvert-friendly. Some would claim it's BETTER that way. ;-)

[pklexton.livejournal.com]

That is a fantastic article. Finally something that explains why I am the way I am - I need to send it to all my friends.

[audrabaudra.livejournal.com]

Thanks that! It really does explain a lot.

I'm extremely introverted; Ross is extremely extroverted--familiar? Ross thinks by "process talking;" I've learnt to look at him for a moment while he processes his thoughts aloud, but not respond--makes it go faster :::evil laugh:::

(I've learnt to keep those kinds of thoughts inside, too. By using my "introvert voice.")

Once upon a time, I had such problems that I sought counseling for my social phobias. The counselor explained the world this way:

"Introverts are more excited by ideas and get their best mental and emotional stimulation from pure ideas, while extroverts enjoy other people and do their best work through interaction." I thought that was a good way to think about the two sorts, as well, but this article really seeks to define and explain. Thanks again!

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

Amen. :)

RonM (another introvert) introduced me to this article awhile back, and I have used it to explain to I-don't-know-how-many people: "This is me. This is why I do what I do ..."

Many folks have said, "You are SO not an introvert." This article helped clear up a lot of misunderstanding and -communication.

Robert: Thank you for sharing this again!

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

I did basically that w/my friends, the first time I saw this (RonM shared it with me).

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I'm sure the muffinated-goldberg holiday will be something unique and special :)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

David is Jewish - but not particularly into big Chanukah plans either. His birthday is the 16th and we'll celebrate the crap out of that - and spend christmas just the two of us in the muffin penthouse - then boxing day with the fine food frenzy group. it'll all be lovely. :)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Ah yes - I get the GoldbergPause^tm - - where he just almost looks like he stops breathing because he simply can't absorb any more information. it's usually followed by a hug or something else. :) but it's very funny.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

its less crowds than karoake singalongs or kids movies or schmaltzy crud. which I probably don't like either (although I love the Charlie Brown Christmas Special so much!)

I think I'll wait to ask for a Christmas tree till next year. (chortle)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

thats okay :) and I'm learning how to speak introvert. LOL

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I sent him a card once - from hallmark? that was an animation of friends showing someone how to say "i love you" - and the animated character says once he "figures it out" that he feels so much better having gotten that out. Dave writes me and says "thanks for the card - but thats a lovely fantasy about introverts written by extroverts. I feel very good about keeping about all my love for you inside. thank you. Love, Dave."

LOL~!

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

how'd I know you would?

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

I don't know if "bi-polar" is the best word for it. How about "balanced".

[sjwarrior.livejournal.com]

and *I* love your icon!

[sjwarrior.livejournal.com]

As yet another introvert on your flit, I also loved this article. As much as extroverts can be trying for me at times, I have to say that when it comes to significant others, almost all of my relationships have been with extroverts. I find that we need each other for balance.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

I got home from my first date with Randy, and my roommate asked me how it went.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"He didn't talk. Well, he barely talked. I think he hates me."

It took me several more dates to realize that I was dating an introvert.

Like tortoises, reading introverts is an art. You must become aware of very subtle things.

And truthfully, raising tortoises for 25 years prepared me to learn how to read Randy quite well ... once I realized what was going on.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Im an introvert!

[cuyahogarvr.livejournal.com]

Yes it does - lovely! Enjoy!

Unfortunately, we get to spend it with FAMILY - Kids, future grandkids and maybe even brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces and nephews, although I'm trying to avoid all that and just keep it my kids and their significant others. We'll see. Maybe this is the year I put my foot down.

I'm really not fond of the holidays.

[cuyahogarvr.livejournal.com]

sometimes it's "imbalanced".

[nudewoody.livejournal.com]

One of me is an introvert.