attention everyone! attention everyone! I'm officially an idiot!

[thoreau]

Like most things in my life - I can't just go small when I totally fuck up in the kitchen. I have to go for the Gold and make THE GROSSEST MOST DISGUSTING DINNER EVER!

Made dinner - the potatoes came out "looking" pretty yummy. but one bite into them told us both something had gone horribly wrong. I checked the cheese - it wasn't bad or anything. the potatoes had cooked up nice and tender. Then I found the problem - when shopping - I mistakenly grabbed a container of "Dutch Style Sweetened Vanilla Heavy Baking Creme" instead of simply heavy creme. So I basically made bread pudding with molten cheese and potatoes.

Most disgusting scalloped potatoes ever! EVER!

The fish? Orange ruffy tasted like the utter definition of bland awfulness - and was just terrible. TERRIBLE! When it cooked out - it just turned to mush instead of being flaky and yummy. It was fresh from Andronico's counter - and it's the worst fucking fish I've ever tasted - leave alone cooked. Yuck factor gazillion.

Most disgusting fish ever! EVER

The Bokchoy came out nice. feh!

David was very sweet. He said that some of my meals were going to turn out below average - because that is how averages work - and that it would make us both appreciate when I broke the curve and cooked something outstanding. That it would be statistically impossible for every meal to be either stupendous or rotten and evil. He gave me a big strong hug and a kiss - and then fed the vanilla sweetened potatoes to the garbage disposal.

wow - that was just a disaster.

Comments

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

Then I found the problem - when shopping - I grabbed a container of "Dutch Style Sweetened Vanilla Heavy Creme" instead of simply heavy creme.

I'm really, really sorry, but...

I LOLed, out loud, for about 5 minutes straight after reading that!

So, if anything good came out of this, it's that it got a laugh out of crusty ol' me. I don't normally laugh at the misfortunes of others, but something about absurd kitchen disasters cracks me up!

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

And I just re-read it and LOLed out loud for real again!

[geometrician.livejournal.com]

One time I made a bechamel sauce with vanilla soymilk, and put it into a lasagna. It was vomitous. That was a take out night.

[fargonrob.livejournal.com]

Like trying to cook with vanilla soy milk. My sympathies.

[fargonrob.livejournal.com]

Now... if you want to try something good.. make tapioca with vanilla almond milk and some nutmeg and clove (just a tiny tiny bit of both). It's like egg nog but better and all custardy.

The baking cream might work for that....if it survived.

[osodecanela.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this one. LOL'ed so hard, the tears started. And while almost everyone I know has had at least one kitchen disaster from an accidental substitution like that, your description of "...bread pudding with molten cheese and potatoes." just slays me.

And you're still are light years ahead of my husband, when it comes to kitchen acumen.

[wescobear.livejournal.com]

This is why pizza places deliver. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

It's just as well you're a slut in the bedroom!

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

Oh, and to balance out my comments...

You're not an idiot. That's totally a mistake I would make. I've unleashed kitchen disasters of much greater magnitude... the one I wrote about a while back where I destroyed both a ceramic pot and my rice cooker is one of the less-severe episodes!

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I'm really proud of you. It's far better to fuck up on a whole dinner than to find out you've just pierced the toast. [/ObGayJoke]

This is one of very many culinary fuckups to come, especially for someone who is as adventurous as you are. The failures are what make the successes so awesome.

Have I ever told you of the time Mark-the-Ex and I made honeydew soup…with cooking wine? Or Coquille St Jacques? or green aspic? or an entire, miserable, horrific dinner for l0 (four of whom arrived so high that we thought we'd have to call 911) on New Year's Eve? of 2000? Ah, memories…

Ok, Mark-the-Ex may not be over all that yet, but I laugh my ass off at stuff like that. They're great stories. You'll laugh at stuff like this too, once the ptomaine poisoning settles down.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

and a fine one at that!

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I wondered why it smelled so "desserty" in the kitchen. LOLz!

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Dave was very sweet about it - but you could tell he was grasping by using math to calm me down from my terrible failure. LOL. It's like trying to talk to you about politics BEFORE the gin and tonic. It's simply NOT done. :);)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

LOL - Dave doesn't like "delivery" pizza - he thinks that the crust changes consistency before it arrives. He much prefers in person right to your table pizza. :) we just had extra salad and got a chuckle out of it.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

it is funny actually. the kitchen started to smell like bread pudding and I just couldnt' figure it out. LOL!

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Lol - it's okay. in the end - it's all good.

[cyberguy]

Years ago my ex did the same thing while making a creamed scallop dish for the first dinner he ever made me.. its something you will laugh over in the years to come.. believe me.. these are the times we have to laugh at ourselves and order in!

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

What was it told me a few months ago? Just go for it and if you mess up, at least you tried?

You tried...Yay for you.

HUGS!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

So, per excessor, where did you make reservations? :)

HUGS!

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Some unsolicited advice:

1. Don't try so hard. I've known David for many years, and I very much doubt that one bad meal is going to send him screaming off into the night.

2. OK, you made ONE BAD MEAL ... but how many wonderful meals have you made over the past few months? You've had nearly 100% success, if I'm remembering your LJ entries recently.

3. It's never too late to order in Chinese or pizza.

*hugs!*

[wrascalbc.livejournal.com]

I would just stick to tater tots if I were you.

:o)

[anziulewicz.livejournal.com]

VANILLA SCALLOPED POTATOES!!! Eeek eeek eeek! So tragic it's funny!

[oscarlikesbugsy.livejournal.com]

Ah! Poor muffin.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Doctors get to bury their mistakes and cooks can too!

A tip you won't find in the 1969 Better Croker Classic: If you find that you've made a serious mistake, along the way, put the oven on super high and wait for smoke.

'Tis a far, far better thing to claim it all burned 'by mistake', than to go face-to-face with a fish that flopped.

Keep an extra bottle of wine handy, to lubricate said occasions.

Cheers!

[oscarlikesbugsy.livejournal.com]

Someday, by chance, if we talk, I'll tell you the story of the giant, flaming turkey .... or the parafin explosion.

[dewittar.livejournal.com]

I'm laughing real hard right now. While I'm sorry to take pleasure from your ordeal, it is a great story.

So are you saying you don't like Orange Roughy or that you just didn't like it last night?