making things
Apr. 2nd, 2010 07:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thoreauI have been writing in my handwritten journal (which I try to write in for 20 minutes after morning meditation every morning) - a great deal about the role of "fantasy" in my life these days. When I lived in Idaho (for those of you new to my journey I lived in Idaho from 1999 to 2006) fantasy was an integral part of simply getting through things. It should come as now surprise that conservative Mormon Idaho is a tough place for gay people. After having coming out in Vancouver BC (Canada) and Seattle - I was used to - and was expecting a gay community full of diversity and no shame about their sexuality or their sexiness. (is that a word? sexiness?) Well - lets just say that queers in Idaho were far more conservative and afraid of sex than I'd ever thought gay people could be. So I pop on the scene in 1999 - HIV+, outspoken, unabashed - - it didn't go well. Boise has a gay discussion group - and at the first one my partner at the time, Mr. Rogers, and I hosted - - I decided to throw a Seattle style safer sex party - complete with condoms, dental dams and frank talk about how to have sex in the age of HIV. The reaction to my sex positivity was immediate - and for some of those poor men, permanent. My frankness about sex - from blowjobs to fucking to watersports - was frightening to them. One man spoke up at the party - in front of everyone - and asked how - as an HIV+ I could continue to have sex at all - leave alone with an HIV- partner. His basic position was - you fucked yourself into having HIV - so you should now be celibate. that was in 1999 - and I had 6 more years in Boise. In 2004 - Mr. Rogers and I broke up - and it was like out of the frying pan and into the fire. Nobody would date me - because by that point I'd become a bit of a political spokesperson (on the front of the paper as the face of the "gay agenda") and well - still sticking was my HIV status.
So - - back to my original point - that when I lived in Idaho - fantasy was very important. I read a lot of internet porn and used the internet (through sites like Recon) to connect with other folks and confirm for myself that I wasn't the odd man out for wanting all these things. and this fantasy "place" is where my first novel came from as well; so I'm thankful for it.
but what I've been processing in my journal is how since I moved to the Bay Area - going on four years ago now - I've been working to be less about fantasies in my head and on the internet - and more about making things happen for myself in real time. Then in 2008 - I met Dave. and he and I share a bond that relies on each other speaking up and saying "have you ever tried that?" - or "have you ever fantasized about this?" and then we do research, make a Mr. S shopping trip - and well we try it in real time. The impact on how I percieve things - and how I value these ideas has really changed as a result.
I still go out and read at Nifty Erotic Archive and such - but - I work hard on taking notes in my journal - (you shoudl see my desktop at home, sticky notes all over it - - ) about things I want to try and places I want to explore. I usually spend a few minutes before bed - and after my evening working on ze'novel - traveling somewhere on the net - and thinking - is this a place I want to visit (whether thats a sexual idea or a physical place)
The freedom to express my feelings and reach out for what I want has started bleeding out into my non-erotic/sexual life as well. What an unexpected benefit! The drawing class, the piano lessons, the bike rides, the new novel - - - all of it - is coming from this new sense of "if you don't ask for it - you are never going to get it."
It's truly not for everyone - this version of me that just gets his hands dirty and DOES. (when i do talk to my ex in Idaho on the phone I can hear him rolling his eyes over the telephone) Another key is that David is unfailingly supportive of every idea - from the naugtiest to the creative. and I have a cadre of key friendships who even if they do cringe and go you are "what'ing to who?" they support my adventure.
I'm not sure this post really communicated what I set out to say - but reading it over it's a good report card on one of the key changes I wanted to make in my life when I moved to the Bay Area. I spend less time daydreaming - and more time "ooh that sounds fun - how do I make that happen?" It has ended up in a happiness quotient and fulfillment level I never thought I would personally reach.
So - - back to my original point - that when I lived in Idaho - fantasy was very important. I read a lot of internet porn and used the internet (through sites like Recon) to connect with other folks and confirm for myself that I wasn't the odd man out for wanting all these things. and this fantasy "place" is where my first novel came from as well; so I'm thankful for it.
but what I've been processing in my journal is how since I moved to the Bay Area - going on four years ago now - I've been working to be less about fantasies in my head and on the internet - and more about making things happen for myself in real time. Then in 2008 - I met Dave. and he and I share a bond that relies on each other speaking up and saying "have you ever tried that?" - or "have you ever fantasized about this?" and then we do research, make a Mr. S shopping trip - and well we try it in real time. The impact on how I percieve things - and how I value these ideas has really changed as a result.
I still go out and read at Nifty Erotic Archive and such - but - I work hard on taking notes in my journal - (you shoudl see my desktop at home, sticky notes all over it - - ) about things I want to try and places I want to explore. I usually spend a few minutes before bed - and after my evening working on ze'novel - traveling somewhere on the net - and thinking - is this a place I want to visit (whether thats a sexual idea or a physical place)
The freedom to express my feelings and reach out for what I want has started bleeding out into my non-erotic/sexual life as well. What an unexpected benefit! The drawing class, the piano lessons, the bike rides, the new novel - - - all of it - is coming from this new sense of "if you don't ask for it - you are never going to get it."
It's truly not for everyone - this version of me that just gets his hands dirty and DOES. (when i do talk to my ex in Idaho on the phone I can hear him rolling his eyes over the telephone) Another key is that David is unfailingly supportive of every idea - from the naugtiest to the creative. and I have a cadre of key friendships who even if they do cringe and go you are "what'ing to who?" they support my adventure.
I'm not sure this post really communicated what I set out to say - but reading it over it's a good report card on one of the key changes I wanted to make in my life when I moved to the Bay Area. I spend less time daydreaming - and more time "ooh that sounds fun - how do I make that happen?" It has ended up in a happiness quotient and fulfillment level I never thought I would personally reach.
