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truth be told....
Apr. 5th, 2008 02:46 pmToday as I was walking down Broadway here in Seattle - I looked in the window of a restaurant and spied Eric. Eric's husband is named Dennis and 14 years ago - Dennis and I were boyfriends. I was 26 years old. Truth be told - I fucked up the relationship with Dennis (that lasted almost a year) spectacularly. I walked out of jobs - lied to him - cheated on him and was simply an unfocused irresponsible terrible mess of a man.
Fast forward to the now - and I'm 40 going on 41 - and right where Dennis was back then.
Eric and I talked for about 20 minutes - I caught up on where I am today - and how I'm miles and miles and miles away from who I was in 1993/1994. But I've been unable to shake the feeling that I made Dennis feel back in 1993 - the way Rick made me feel last year. and that I had done that to someone - has had me near tears all afternoon. I came back to John's home here on Capitol Hill and just stopped.
Now - - - when I say that - it is not neccesarily that I look back on what happened between Dennis and I with a wish to "change things" - because - well - - - one can't change the past - no matter how dissapointing and difficult. and we are - after all - a sum of our experiences.
What does bouy my heart - and make me grateful for having been Dennis's boyfriend (if just briefly) is that he met Eric when was right where I seem to be finding myself now.
It gives me hope that now I've found the focus and such I wished I'd had when I met Dennis - I really feel on the verge of something extrordinary - - and that perhaps my greatest most powerful adventures still lay on the path ahead of me.
We all live with regrets and challenges - it is part of our human experience.
I remember beginning the writing process of House of Wolves and sitting down and (at first) starting to write about how my life would have worked out had I been more prepared for meeting someone like Dennis when I was 25. but honestly - it turned into something greater when I realized in the process - that Dennis and I shared what we were meant to share.
His breaking up with me - and then meeting Eric... forced me to change. FORCED me into therapy - made me wake up and change a lot of things in my life.
So House of Wolves became something different - but the relationship with Dennis was the kernel that sat me down and started me writing.
A year after Dennis and I brokeup - I met Jon - and while our relationship wasn't perfect - the 9 years I was with Jon (when it was working) felt like the reward for having learned my lesson from let Dennis down so intensely and spectacularly.
But then I had more lessons to learn when Jon left me - and I dated Rick briefly.
In the years since - the 13 years that feel like a lifetime? The thought of what Dennis and I shared those brief months in Seattle still thrills me. I look back on the relationship with Jon - and know that we shared some spectacular and wonderful times together. But now Jon has new partner Pat - and Dennis has had Eric for many many years. (and Rick - just this past week celebrated his first anniversary with John)
I get reminded of the adventure that being in a powerful romance can be like. Not just fucking around - or meeting someone for a weekend in a far off place then returning to your life - but - what being having and embracing a powerful romance can be like.
What keeps me from writing sometimes these days is that I don't want to write about romance I want to get out and experience it.
I wonder - what powerful romantic adventure remains to be seen?
and I wonder if I've come far enough - even now - to recognize it when I see it.
Fast forward to the now - and I'm 40 going on 41 - and right where Dennis was back then.
Eric and I talked for about 20 minutes - I caught up on where I am today - and how I'm miles and miles and miles away from who I was in 1993/1994. But I've been unable to shake the feeling that I made Dennis feel back in 1993 - the way Rick made me feel last year. and that I had done that to someone - has had me near tears all afternoon. I came back to John's home here on Capitol Hill and just stopped.
Now - - - when I say that - it is not neccesarily that I look back on what happened between Dennis and I with a wish to "change things" - because - well - - - one can't change the past - no matter how dissapointing and difficult. and we are - after all - a sum of our experiences.
What does bouy my heart - and make me grateful for having been Dennis's boyfriend (if just briefly) is that he met Eric when was right where I seem to be finding myself now.
It gives me hope that now I've found the focus and such I wished I'd had when I met Dennis - I really feel on the verge of something extrordinary - - and that perhaps my greatest most powerful adventures still lay on the path ahead of me.
We all live with regrets and challenges - it is part of our human experience.
I remember beginning the writing process of House of Wolves and sitting down and (at first) starting to write about how my life would have worked out had I been more prepared for meeting someone like Dennis when I was 25. but honestly - it turned into something greater when I realized in the process - that Dennis and I shared what we were meant to share.
His breaking up with me - and then meeting Eric... forced me to change. FORCED me into therapy - made me wake up and change a lot of things in my life.
So House of Wolves became something different - but the relationship with Dennis was the kernel that sat me down and started me writing.
A year after Dennis and I brokeup - I met Jon - and while our relationship wasn't perfect - the 9 years I was with Jon (when it was working) felt like the reward for having learned my lesson from let Dennis down so intensely and spectacularly.
But then I had more lessons to learn when Jon left me - and I dated Rick briefly.
In the years since - the 13 years that feel like a lifetime? The thought of what Dennis and I shared those brief months in Seattle still thrills me. I look back on the relationship with Jon - and know that we shared some spectacular and wonderful times together. But now Jon has new partner Pat - and Dennis has had Eric for many many years. (and Rick - just this past week celebrated his first anniversary with John)
I get reminded of the adventure that being in a powerful romance can be like. Not just fucking around - or meeting someone for a weekend in a far off place then returning to your life - but - what being having and embracing a powerful romance can be like.
What keeps me from writing sometimes these days is that I don't want to write about romance I want to get out and experience it.
I wonder - what powerful romantic adventure remains to be seen?
and I wonder if I've come far enough - even now - to recognize it when I see it.
The title to this post is one of Oberon's magical lines from William Shakespeare's lush "MidSummer Night's Dream" The production I saw this evening with the Pacific Northwest Ballet - had none of Shakespeare's words but was danced to Mendelssohn's Overture and Incidental Music to Midsummer Night's Dream. It was marvelous - the fairy kingdom exploded in dance with the frantic comings and goings of the mismatched lovers making for delicious and often comic choreography. It was stunning! The original Balanchine choreography (debuted at the New York City Ballet in 1962) still felt fresh and compelling. He used the "pas de deus" or metaphor/dance of love to make us fall in love over and over with Titania, Oberon, Puck, Helenia and Demitrius and Hermia and Lysander. I had never seen the ballet - and it was simply breathtaking.