truth be told....
Apr. 5th, 2008 02:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thoreauToday as I was walking down Broadway here in Seattle - I looked in the window of a restaurant and spied Eric. Eric's husband is named Dennis and 14 years ago - Dennis and I were boyfriends. I was 26 years old. Truth be told - I fucked up the relationship with Dennis (that lasted almost a year) spectacularly. I walked out of jobs - lied to him - cheated on him and was simply an unfocused irresponsible terrible mess of a man.
Fast forward to the now - and I'm 40 going on 41 - and right where Dennis was back then.
Eric and I talked for about 20 minutes - I caught up on where I am today - and how I'm miles and miles and miles away from who I was in 1993/1994. But I've been unable to shake the feeling that I made Dennis feel back in 1993 - the way Rick made me feel last year. and that I had done that to someone - has had me near tears all afternoon. I came back to John's home here on Capitol Hill and just stopped.
Now - - - when I say that - it is not neccesarily that I look back on what happened between Dennis and I with a wish to "change things" - because - well - - - one can't change the past - no matter how dissapointing and difficult. and we are - after all - a sum of our experiences.
What does bouy my heart - and make me grateful for having been Dennis's boyfriend (if just briefly) is that he met Eric when was right where I seem to be finding myself now.
It gives me hope that now I've found the focus and such I wished I'd had when I met Dennis - I really feel on the verge of something extrordinary - - and that perhaps my greatest most powerful adventures still lay on the path ahead of me.
We all live with regrets and challenges - it is part of our human experience.
I remember beginning the writing process of House of Wolves and sitting down and (at first) starting to write about how my life would have worked out had I been more prepared for meeting someone like Dennis when I was 25. but honestly - it turned into something greater when I realized in the process - that Dennis and I shared what we were meant to share.
His breaking up with me - and then meeting Eric... forced me to change. FORCED me into therapy - made me wake up and change a lot of things in my life.
So House of Wolves became something different - but the relationship with Dennis was the kernel that sat me down and started me writing.
A year after Dennis and I brokeup - I met Jon - and while our relationship wasn't perfect - the 9 years I was with Jon (when it was working) felt like the reward for having learned my lesson from let Dennis down so intensely and spectacularly.
But then I had more lessons to learn when Jon left me - and I dated Rick briefly.
In the years since - the 13 years that feel like a lifetime? The thought of what Dennis and I shared those brief months in Seattle still thrills me. I look back on the relationship with Jon - and know that we shared some spectacular and wonderful times together. But now Jon has new partner Pat - and Dennis has had Eric for many many years. (and Rick - just this past week celebrated his first anniversary with John)
I get reminded of the adventure that being in a powerful romance can be like. Not just fucking around - or meeting someone for a weekend in a far off place then returning to your life - but - what being having and embracing a powerful romance can be like.
What keeps me from writing sometimes these days is that I don't want to write about romance I want to get out and experience it.
I wonder - what powerful romantic adventure remains to be seen?
and I wonder if I've come far enough - even now - to recognize it when I see it.
Fast forward to the now - and I'm 40 going on 41 - and right where Dennis was back then.
Eric and I talked for about 20 minutes - I caught up on where I am today - and how I'm miles and miles and miles away from who I was in 1993/1994. But I've been unable to shake the feeling that I made Dennis feel back in 1993 - the way Rick made me feel last year. and that I had done that to someone - has had me near tears all afternoon. I came back to John's home here on Capitol Hill and just stopped.
Now - - - when I say that - it is not neccesarily that I look back on what happened between Dennis and I with a wish to "change things" - because - well - - - one can't change the past - no matter how dissapointing and difficult. and we are - after all - a sum of our experiences.
What does bouy my heart - and make me grateful for having been Dennis's boyfriend (if just briefly) is that he met Eric when was right where I seem to be finding myself now.
It gives me hope that now I've found the focus and such I wished I'd had when I met Dennis - I really feel on the verge of something extrordinary - - and that perhaps my greatest most powerful adventures still lay on the path ahead of me.
We all live with regrets and challenges - it is part of our human experience.
I remember beginning the writing process of House of Wolves and sitting down and (at first) starting to write about how my life would have worked out had I been more prepared for meeting someone like Dennis when I was 25. but honestly - it turned into something greater when I realized in the process - that Dennis and I shared what we were meant to share.
His breaking up with me - and then meeting Eric... forced me to change. FORCED me into therapy - made me wake up and change a lot of things in my life.
So House of Wolves became something different - but the relationship with Dennis was the kernel that sat me down and started me writing.
A year after Dennis and I brokeup - I met Jon - and while our relationship wasn't perfect - the 9 years I was with Jon (when it was working) felt like the reward for having learned my lesson from let Dennis down so intensely and spectacularly.
But then I had more lessons to learn when Jon left me - and I dated Rick briefly.
In the years since - the 13 years that feel like a lifetime? The thought of what Dennis and I shared those brief months in Seattle still thrills me. I look back on the relationship with Jon - and know that we shared some spectacular and wonderful times together. But now Jon has new partner Pat - and Dennis has had Eric for many many years. (and Rick - just this past week celebrated his first anniversary with John)
I get reminded of the adventure that being in a powerful romance can be like. Not just fucking around - or meeting someone for a weekend in a far off place then returning to your life - but - what being having and embracing a powerful romance can be like.
What keeps me from writing sometimes these days is that I don't want to write about romance I want to get out and experience it.
I wonder - what powerful romantic adventure remains to be seen?
and I wonder if I've come far enough - even now - to recognize it when I see it.
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You'll...
Date: 2008-04-05 10:08 pm (UTC)This post is inspiring -- as are you. [[snuggs]]
:o)
Re: You'll...
Date: 2008-04-05 10:12 pm (UTC)[[nods]]
Date: 2008-04-05 10:19 pm (UTC)Sounds like you've put it into that "photo-album" of the past and are willing to "remember beig that guy", but aren't him anymore...
That's the inspiring part.
Well, and the whole "cute as a button" part, that's inspiring too... ;o)
You show that growth and change don't have to *always* be angst-ridden roller-coaster rides into the bowels of hell... Sometimes it can happen over coffee and dog-walks in the park, too. ;o)
no subject
Date: 2008-04-05 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-05 11:34 pm (UTC)Just so you know, it was you who inspired me to finally break down and get a dog. I think it is pathological to be responsible for or to nobody or nothing. I needed Tucker to force me to be responsible, and I hoped then, as I continue to hope, that having him in my life will bring me the peace of mind that Miss Kate and you share.
The point is that we all learn and teach in ways we never expected. More often than not, I think Karma has us right where we are needed.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 01:31 am (UTC)Your next adventure has already started.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 01:55 am (UTC)Strictly from my most recent experience with life, I have been working to make my life more romantic, in the sense of just being in love with my day. I have gained much of that inspiriation from reading from people who embrace life, like yourself. It's about opening your heart, laughing, allowing and seeing. What little I know, you seem do do that with a remarkable touch.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 02:41 am (UTC)HUGS!
no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 03:46 am (UTC)There are so many things we do to harm ourselves while we learn about life, and it's only when we consciously decide to assess and change them that we truly learn who we are. If we're lucky, we continue to grow as long as we're physically live.
In breaking up with someone, whether it's a short relationship or a longer one, we have things to learn. I've learned new things about who I am recently and what I desire from my life. I learn afresh daily it seems, and I like this life.
I'm glad for today for you; it seems it was time for some things to come home. They have, and you see them, and that's good.
*hug*
no subject
Date: 2008-04-06 08:41 pm (UTC)You and I have both grown a great deal from our past relationships. And it's been my pleasure to learn as much from you as from those harder experiences.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-09 02:06 am (UTC)