wanting...
Aug. 13th, 2007 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thoreau“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?” - Judy Tenuta
While it really feels great to be free of the emotional sadism I put myself through this past spring - I really hate dating.
I hate it a lot. I've been working on with my therapist (and a couple of fellow LJers have pointed out along the way) is that I always dream of what kind of man I want - but rarely discuss - who do I want to be in a relationship or when I'm 'dating' someone. I have the long laundry list of dream guy stats and hobbies and passions. But one of the errors I've made in dating and in my relationships - is that I tend to put (insertboyfriendhere) first - and not stand up for what I want, what I need and what I deserve. I let behavior slide with (insertboyfriendhere) because he's charming - or he makes me laugh - or he loves to fuck at 2am. So when he (insertcrappybehaviorhere) I let it slide, or when he (insertinappropriatesexualbehaviorhere) or he (insertpassiveaggressivehorsehithere) - I take it like a sponge rather than spraying myself with nonstick spray and handing it right back to (insertboyfriendhere) and saying - "that's unaccepteable behavior or sexual activity or thats not being sensitive to my feelings - thank you - and I deserve better, please try again."
I was dating a guy for a while after Memorial Day who kept our activities limited to a single night a week - and well - he required a lot of pot and poppers to have sex. and I caught myself after the fourth or fifth week of this doing two things. One - being pissed that he needs poppers and pot to fuck - Two - wondering why (particularly since the weightloss) he had to alter himself to fuck me. And finally - he emailed me one day and basically said - that I needed to talk less and pleasure him more during sex. and I wrote him back and said that I thought we weren't compatible and he should find someone else to be with. He got VERY upset and wrote me back and said that he thought I found his bold (pot filled and popper induced) sexuality intimidating. I wrote him back and told him - that as a 41 year old man - he should learn to take NO for an answer. It felt liberating - but I also let go of the only real sexual buddy in my life right now. and thats a little lonely. (because I love me some sex)
I decided after the encounter with Rick (the ex) and John (his new "life partner") at Blow Buddies back in July - that the sexclub scene was feeling like squandering my body for strangers. SO I've stopped going there - a) because I realized that I'd romanticized going there with Rick - because we always had our hottest sex after coming home from the sex club. But who deserves a boyfriend that needs to go to the sex club and have sex with strangers for several hours before they can have the hottest sex with their boyfriend? not me. I deserve much better than that. and b) this past spring - when I went alone to Blow Buddies I got a case of UberCrabs that required shaving sections of my body to get rid of. I'm a super hairy little man - and well - crabs are the worst of the worst. so -So I've crossed Blow Buddies off the list.
Right now I'm feeling spectacularly unsexual - or undesired sexually.
So I joined Manhunt.net - which is all about the sex. and I had a intensely hot - "come over and blow me?" time last night. and in the 48 hours or so I'm on manhunt - i've had several guys "find" me there. but I know - like all new meat - in real time or not,,, that the interest will eventually fade. but - it's created a sexual outlet without feeling like I'm sticking my dick through a glory hole (figuratively or literally).
I also have suddenly become desirable by "leather Daddy" types that are visiting and want a guy to fuck while they are in town. Now - I loves me a bearded, hairy leather man more than anything else. and one or two of these encounters in their hotel room - or once overnight in my home - have been REALLY hot. these boys are hungry to fuck after a boring conference or time here with family. but they pack up and go back to their boy at home - or their country - or whatever. leaving me - to really KNOW what it means to be wanted that way. to be courted, sought after and REALLY fucked. A couple of these encounters have included spending days together in museums, walking in golden gate park - or even going on day trips together. but they still - get on the plane and head back home afterwards.
Patience for a man like that in my life all the time is a hard struggle for me. particularly since locally - I don't tend to find men like that to date. My out of town buds that visit are usually overwhelming bed partners and really interested in things. I laughed with a friend that it's my new marketing strategy for the book - if you are from out of town, come here and fuck my ass and then I'll take you the bookstore to buy my novel before the glow of being inside me wears off. (laughing out loud) I can see the personals ad now:
I am in such a different time in my life - and in a different city with a different "vibe". Moving to San Francisco has changed my entire perspective - as has the entire 'experience' of my romantic stumble when I moved here. People here do things a lot differently - I don't remember dating and sex being so goddamned complicated.
It's part of having been in a relationship right out fo the closet for two years - then single for about 9 months - and into the 11 years with Jon - then a year and a half single in Boise - then meeting Rick and 'dating' him for a year. I guess part of it - is that I haven't done a lot of time single. I mean out of the last 18 years out of the closet - I've been single only three years of that entire timespan. So - my 'understanding' of things comes from the point of view of being partnered (and finding that comfortable and my 'comfort zone'). But in a city where most (if not all) gay relationships are open; so a lot of guys you meet have partners already. (even if they don't admit it till the 2nd or 3rd date) -- a city where there is quite real barriers between HIV+ guys and HIV- guys. I never thought in SF I'd get the "You are really hot - but I can't/won't get emotionally involved with someone positive"
While it's a world-class city for food, for art, for outdoorysness, for allllll sorts of things - it's romantic dating life for me so far - has been a real mixed bag.
Back when I talked about relationships - the ever inquisitive![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
excessor posed a series of questions.
and I've been posing these questions to myself in my handwrittendamnedifanyonereadsthisbutmetm journal.
It has been quite the set of thought puzzles. I always get accused of being too romantic - that I could romanticize taking out the garbage. I always get in trouble when I romanticize friendships - because then I get accused of making them TOO important - and treating friends like others might treat a lover. I have trouble with casual sex - but I love sex so much that I have it anyway. I feel that perhaps I have too high of an expectation set on the role of hot sex in a relationship. I don't think it's to be unexpected that sex gets hotter when you love someone and it's a communication of your love for that person. I don't think I should expect a relationship to go sexless after a "few years" and HAVE to open it up so we can be happy. What is "good sex" in the context of a relationship or dating?
I know - I'm overthinking. but hey - it's what I do.
While it really feels great to be free of the emotional sadism I put myself through this past spring - I really hate dating.
I hate it a lot. I've been working on with my therapist (and a couple of fellow LJers have pointed out along the way) is that I always dream of what kind of man I want - but rarely discuss - who do I want to be in a relationship or when I'm 'dating' someone. I have the long laundry list of dream guy stats and hobbies and passions. But one of the errors I've made in dating and in my relationships - is that I tend to put (insertboyfriendhere) first - and not stand up for what I want, what I need and what I deserve. I let behavior slide with (insertboyfriendhere) because he's charming - or he makes me laugh - or he loves to fuck at 2am. So when he (insertcrappybehaviorhere) I let it slide, or when he (insertinappropriatesexualbehaviorhere) or he (insertpassiveaggressivehorsehithere) - I take it like a sponge rather than spraying myself with nonstick spray and handing it right back to (insertboyfriendhere) and saying - "that's unaccepteable behavior or sexual activity or thats not being sensitive to my feelings - thank you - and I deserve better, please try again."
I was dating a guy for a while after Memorial Day who kept our activities limited to a single night a week - and well - he required a lot of pot and poppers to have sex. and I caught myself after the fourth or fifth week of this doing two things. One - being pissed that he needs poppers and pot to fuck - Two - wondering why (particularly since the weightloss) he had to alter himself to fuck me. And finally - he emailed me one day and basically said - that I needed to talk less and pleasure him more during sex. and I wrote him back and said that I thought we weren't compatible and he should find someone else to be with. He got VERY upset and wrote me back and said that he thought I found his bold (pot filled and popper induced) sexuality intimidating. I wrote him back and told him - that as a 41 year old man - he should learn to take NO for an answer. It felt liberating - but I also let go of the only real sexual buddy in my life right now. and thats a little lonely. (because I love me some sex)
I decided after the encounter with Rick (the ex) and John (his new "life partner") at Blow Buddies back in July - that the sexclub scene was feeling like squandering my body for strangers. SO I've stopped going there - a) because I realized that I'd romanticized going there with Rick - because we always had our hottest sex after coming home from the sex club. But who deserves a boyfriend that needs to go to the sex club and have sex with strangers for several hours before they can have the hottest sex with their boyfriend? not me. I deserve much better than that. and b) this past spring - when I went alone to Blow Buddies I got a case of UberCrabs that required shaving sections of my body to get rid of. I'm a super hairy little man - and well - crabs are the worst of the worst. so -So I've crossed Blow Buddies off the list.
Right now I'm feeling spectacularly unsexual - or undesired sexually.
So I joined Manhunt.net - which is all about the sex. and I had a intensely hot - "come over and blow me?" time last night. and in the 48 hours or so I'm on manhunt - i've had several guys "find" me there. but I know - like all new meat - in real time or not,,, that the interest will eventually fade. but - it's created a sexual outlet without feeling like I'm sticking my dick through a glory hole (figuratively or literally).
I also have suddenly become desirable by "leather Daddy" types that are visiting and want a guy to fuck while they are in town. Now - I loves me a bearded, hairy leather man more than anything else. and one or two of these encounters in their hotel room - or once overnight in my home - have been REALLY hot. these boys are hungry to fuck after a boring conference or time here with family. but they pack up and go back to their boy at home - or their country - or whatever. leaving me - to really KNOW what it means to be wanted that way. to be courted, sought after and REALLY fucked. A couple of these encounters have included spending days together in museums, walking in golden gate park - or even going on day trips together. but they still - get on the plane and head back home afterwards.
Patience for a man like that in my life all the time is a hard struggle for me. particularly since locally - I don't tend to find men like that to date. My out of town buds that visit are usually overwhelming bed partners and really interested in things. I laughed with a friend that it's my new marketing strategy for the book - if you are from out of town, come here and fuck my ass and then I'll take you the bookstore to buy my novel before the glow of being inside me wears off. (laughing out loud) I can see the personals ad now:
Furry bottom first time author will let you fuck him if you buy his novel.
I am in such a different time in my life - and in a different city with a different "vibe". Moving to San Francisco has changed my entire perspective - as has the entire 'experience' of my romantic stumble when I moved here. People here do things a lot differently - I don't remember dating and sex being so goddamned complicated.
It's part of having been in a relationship right out fo the closet for two years - then single for about 9 months - and into the 11 years with Jon - then a year and a half single in Boise - then meeting Rick and 'dating' him for a year. I guess part of it - is that I haven't done a lot of time single. I mean out of the last 18 years out of the closet - I've been single only three years of that entire timespan. So - my 'understanding' of things comes from the point of view of being partnered (and finding that comfortable and my 'comfort zone'). But in a city where most (if not all) gay relationships are open; so a lot of guys you meet have partners already. (even if they don't admit it till the 2nd or 3rd date) -- a city where there is quite real barriers between HIV+ guys and HIV- guys. I never thought in SF I'd get the "You are really hot - but I can't/won't get emotionally involved with someone positive"
While it's a world-class city for food, for art, for outdoorysness, for allllll sorts of things - it's romantic dating life for me so far - has been a real mixed bag.
Back when I talked about relationships - the ever inquisitive
excessor posed a series of questions.1. Is infatuation required for a relationship?
2. What does romance mean to you in a relationship? What does it mean outside a relationship?
3. What's the difference between friends, friends with benefits, tricks, one-nighters, boyfriends, and partners?
4. What is love?
5. Is love necessary for a partnership?
6. Is sex necessary for a partnership?
7. What is a good fight? What is a bad fight?
8. Does good sex = relationship?
and I've been posing these questions to myself in my handwrittendamnedifanyonereadsthisbutmetm journal.
It has been quite the set of thought puzzles. I always get accused of being too romantic - that I could romanticize taking out the garbage. I always get in trouble when I romanticize friendships - because then I get accused of making them TOO important - and treating friends like others might treat a lover. I have trouble with casual sex - but I love sex so much that I have it anyway. I feel that perhaps I have too high of an expectation set on the role of hot sex in a relationship. I don't think it's to be unexpected that sex gets hotter when you love someone and it's a communication of your love for that person. I don't think I should expect a relationship to go sexless after a "few years" and HAVE to open it up so we can be happy. What is "good sex" in the context of a relationship or dating?
I know - I'm overthinking. but hey - it's what I do.
