'The Libido Junky'

[thoreau]

okay - in the comments from my post the other day about sex and how I'm settling into San Francisco - the incredibly smart (and sexy) badfaggot spoke up with this insightful comment:

I love sex, too. I value my sex so much that a few years back I decided that I wasn't going to continue to engage in behaviors I disliked in order to have sex that I knew wouldn't be satisfying. I anticipated that in making decision I would likely have less sex, which has been true. But the sex I have now entails mutual respect, trust and enjoyment, and has enabled me to go to places sexually (yes, even solo) that I would not have been able to otherwise.

I concede that this strategy is not for everyone. Looking at others in my life, I sometimes feel as though I am denying myself overmuch. But I also know that what is healthy for someone else is not necessarily right for me. If I feed my libido junky, my whole person feels like crap -- I'm getting neither what I need nor what I deserve. When I allow my libido to be nourished, on the other hand, I know that I am succeeding in getting both.

I always knew Matt as a smart insightful guy, but this note to me totally takes the cake. It's created quite the brain worm.

I love the term "Libido Junky"! and have been trading emails with him ever since. It makes me realize that sex for sex's sake - just to feed a libido fix - isn't going to get me what I want be it off an online pickup site or at the sex club.

That even when I'm up against the wall in the sex club I have to be present and really honoring the sexual communication I offer rather than making it something casual and easily delivered - thats where the "i feel gross' feelings come after a sex club visit - not because a sex club is a bad place to go to get off - but that I was going to get off or seeking to get off for the wrong reasons.

I shouldn't expect that while I'm re-examining relationships and love in my life......that I shouldn't end up re-examining the role of sex in my life as well. It's so easy in the "candy store" kind of city that is San Francisco to become ruled by the Libido Junky in your personality. So it's given me lots to think about!

Comments

[ursaloco2.livejournal.com]

It's a very strange feeling to make that decision--that you're not going to have sex without any emotional connection ever again.
Nothing more "grown up" than the self-talk you have to do when deciding that you and any potential partners deserve more than sex as a sport.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether that's the point - to have an emotional connection everytime I have sex. I think the point is - to make sure your motivations and needs are CLEAR to yourself before ever going 'there' - be it in a rest area or someone's bedroom. It's about thinking ahead of time - is this behavior nourishing me or am I simply giving in to my 'libido junky'

[ursaloco2.livejournal.com]

What else would be nourished other than the spiritual, assuming that the libido junky is the primarily physical aspect?

[truthfeather.livejournal.com]

It is te difference between connecting as one person to another vs reducing yourself and other sexual partners to objects.
What you describe in terms of being fully present is what my understanding is of the concept in Hindu mythology expressed as Krisna "making love to" EVERYONE he encountered. Full contact communication on all levels.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

exactly! Making sex with someone else - just as much about nourishing and making love to YOURSELF as much as communicating sexually with someone else. Addressing BOTH parties in the encounter - and not losing yourself or your needs in the wants and desires of someone else.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

As much sex as I have (and actually, I gather I'm less slutty than average ;-), I practice the same thing Matt's recommending. I did maybe one encounter at a cruising area ... the guy let me jerk him off, came in my hand, and walked away without another word. It was fine ONCE but I didn't want to repeat it. I've been to bathhouses primarily with buddies I wanted a nice place to play with.

The poly thing probably makes this easier for me in that I already have someone at home, and partnered guys probably see me as a safer playbuddy because I can walk the walk about not "expecting" too much from them--I'm going to guess that 80% of my playbuddies are other partnered guys, as a result. But still: I'll walk out of bars filled with hot men that I'm horny for if I sense that my own energy is "wrong" for me somehow. Which happens a LOT. I go home "disappointed" for the evening, but not upset with myself, or with the other guy, for having bad sex.

It wasn't a skill I came by immediately, I've made my share of mistakes, but I *highly* recommend Matt's approach. And good for you for being open to hearing it, and thinking through what it means to you. Smooches.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I mean - I always knew Matt was an esoteric smart guy - but this just proves it for me.

Part of the 'issue' is that I think about sex a great deal - and because of the issues of hte sexless years with Jon, and the lack of real sexual chemistry with Rick - - I'm overeager for that intense sexual connection with someone that goes beyond "just sex" - and that overeagerness can be a real turnoff for folks I say "hey" too sometimes. So I need to temper my puppylike behavior around someone I'm turned on by.

Here in the 'candy store' - it's hard ot get guys to go beyond date #1. so that extra exploration rarely happens. and I've never seen a town so poppers and mj associated.

so all I can do is monitor my OWN behavior and motivations and remain open minded. :)

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think I understand. This was one of the things I meant the other day by mentioning the "shadow" of Jon. And I quite empathize ... having spent most of my twenties and early thirties celibate, not totally by choice, I understand how the body stores up sexual needs. I can recall being "high" for days just from a two hour cuddle on a couch watching sci-fi TV with a handsome bear, in the midst of a bunch of other people. No "sex" involved ... just skin hunger and partial satisfaction that was nearly overwhelming. Sex is big stuff.

It's because it's so big that it's sometimes difficult for us to work out. It's because it's so big that it can be all the more crucial to distinguish between having good sex and having sex, even though it IS difficult.

I need to temper my puppylike behavior

Remember a couple of months ago when you were stating, very firmly, that you never wanted to give up being yourself to please another?

The crux, honey, is that you were right then, and you're right now. There IS a middle path between tempering your needs, and thwarting yourself to keep another's (supposed) interest. But it is not always an easy path to find.

I hope it helps to hear that I think you're doing it.

[bearzendurham.livejournal.com]

Not meaning to be a fly on the wall, here, but I've enjoyed this discourse. I definitely identify with the tension between feeding the junkie and truly satisfying the "real" hunger for physical connection. Toss in the fun of figuring out new relationships (dating, not dating, too close, too disconnected . . .) and you've described me at this point being single.

Keep talking about this one. Finding the balance is a goal of mine as well. It might be as simple as making a decision to do one or the other, but my guess is that it's much more messy process than that . . .

Thanks.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

yeah - messy is where I'm at unfortunately. I keep going all the way one way (lots of sex, all the time regardless of the emotional/spiritual impact or no sex unless it's quality - and then I feel like I'm denying myself or punishing myself) argh!

Casual Sex Hangovers

[walterwz.livejournal.com]

One simple opinion here. If your "puppy dog" mode is not an extreme turn-on, you are definitely bedding the wrong guy. This is a major "limitation" of mine. I am kind of present in my encounters. It is very apparent to me where a guy is emotionally. My over all impression of the "get off/now get out" crowd is that they are really not present. If they are aware of you or "the other" at all, they are aware of those parts of you that fit into the particular porn fantasy running in their head. Basically, partners for these guys are just props.

By the way I have that same puppy dog response to a guy who really turns me on and gets me going. Most social environments require that we carefully filter our true selves and project a very appropriate and acceptable persona. This is really a very sick aspect of our society and culture.

The whole purpose of intimacy especially deep intimacy that involves physical intimacy and sex needs to be a celebration of your true self. The cloths coming off is more than symbolic.

Casual sex is intrinsically sinful wrong and destructive when instead of being an expression of our true innermost self and an experience that brings us into deeper vital experience this but goes in the direction of invalidating who and what we truly are and putting in its place a very hollow lie.

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

Probably worth referencing an earlier post of mine:

How I Improved My Sex Life In One Easy Step (http://that-dang-otter.livejournal.com/162995.html)

Still rings true today, three years later.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Smart, smart, smart.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

I like the Libido Junky concept, and what you and badfaggot have to say about it. I'm trying to figure out where I stand right now, after getting my heart stomped on recently and after just arriving to live in a major city for the first time in my 17 years of being an out gay man. The temptation to let me Libido Junkie gorge is strong, and when I've done so in the past, it has been fun & then spend itself out without any consequences. Nonetheless, I have to think and feel some more about what I want and need in the short-term, and this conversation is helpful. Thank you.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

so we're in similiar 'places' it seems.

(huggage)

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

Yeppers - hugs back at ya. And at some point, I'd be curious to talk to you, since I think you'll have unique insights on what I just went through.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

ugh. getting one's heart trampled on? is just the suck.

My recovery was made worse by the fact that I blamed myself for it - like I deserved to be treated like shit then abandoned. So perhaps I'm not the best source.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

The trampled on is the major suck. There are other details worth discussing off-LJ, and I think you're the only person who knows the trampler in question not through me.

It takes time to learn not to blame myself - I've had moments of that, although in this case, the bf's behavior was so weird as to pre-empt that, mostly.

[kevnetik.livejournal.com]

You nailed it. This is exactly what I experienced last year. I was having sex for the sake of sex - and the issue became who to do next or where to get it. It ruined everything else in my life. I didn't care about being on time for things. I didn't care about paying bills. I didn't care about people who cared about me. All because I was all "into" feeding my sexual desires.

I'm getting together with someone soon and it may be (if it happens and is right) the first sex I've had in 10 months.

I'm betting if it happens, it will be better than the continuous sex I had going last year. It will be a lot more fun.