for yourself.....

[thoreau]

I have a couple of friends - one of which ended his most recent relationship about the same time I stopped dating Rick, and another whom just ended his relationship around August 1st. They have both discussed with me recently about the role of anger in their seperate paths 'processing' the breakup.

One even said, complimentarily, "What is your secret to not being angry - ALL THE TIME?" I found it an interesting turn of events - when one, but two friends turned to me to find out what my secret was to being happy post-relationship.

It hadn't occured to me that I was once again - happy - and that energy was being witnessed by others. I'd gone from "wtfhappened" and people asking if I was "okay" - to "what is your secret to being happy?"

Well - as simple as it sounds. I let go of anger - I chose to no longer be angry. and I found that it's had ripple effects into other relationships with my family, my coworkers and lifelong friends. I simply realized I'd let go of anger. (and it didn't happen overnight - or in a simple prayer to myself - or with a simplistic decision to do so)

Anger is such an interesting topic - particularly when it has to do with your heart - and the things that we'll do when people you love make you angry.

I do a lot of meditating - perhaps - I'm addicted to it (it's been suggested by a few). Particularly in the weeksPC (post comcast) - I have had lots of time to really reintegrate it back into my life. and one of the topics - due to these online conversations with friends - and my own issues - is to journal and meditate on anger.

Back in May - when I finally told Rick I had to excuse him from my life - he said to me that my inability to be angry with him is one of the reasons he decided we weren't going to work out. I told him at the time - that I wasn't angry with him - but deeply, incredibly, powerfully disappointed. and I guess in my own fashion - thats how I was angry with him. and still am.

I'm just d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-e-d.

I'm a little angry at myself for letting my disappointments over it not working out - affect me for so long.

One of my meditation cards is about "forgiveness" - and I've come to learn an entirely NEW definition thanks to solid work on the subject with my therapist. When someone has hurt us, consciously or unconsciously, one of the most difficult things we have to face in resolving the situation is the act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an OVERT act.

Sometimes it feels like it's easier not to forgive and that the answer is to simply cut the person in question out of our lives. In some cases, ending the relationship may be the right thing to do, but even in that case, we will only be free if we have truly forgiven. So - I can hear you saying - but Robert? Isn't that exactly what you did, cut Rick out of your life and chose not to forgive. Not exactly - I asked Rick to excuse himself from my life because his behavior hurt me so badly - that I knew forgiveness would never come between him and I if I kept witnessing his life without some serious emotional space. I really want to reach that forgiveness place - and be able to have Rick in my life without it feeling like such a burden. I know one day I'll sit down with my pad and paper and tell him "I forgive you - and I have forgiven myself for the rough time we put each other through when you ended the relationship." I know that is in my future - but I've got more work to do.

The truth is - if we harbor bitterness in our hearts against anyone, we only hurt ourselves because we are the ones harboring the bitterness. Overtly choosing to forgive is choosing to alleviate ourselves of that burden, choosing to be free of the past, and choosing not to perceive ourselves as victims.

I posted a while back about the lyrics from the Willy Wonka composition, "Pure Imagination."

"There is no Life I know to compare with pure imagination
Living there you'll be free, if you truly wish to be"

You can only live free of these situations if you truly wish to be! How long can you remain feeling like "he fucked me over" - "he screwed me over" - "he left me for someone else" - "he this"/"he that" -

How long can you live like that and consider yourself "free" from the pain and hurt?

Right. You simply cannot.

That realization that I HAD TO CHOOSE MY OWN FREEDOM - was revolutionary for me! One of the reasons that forgiveness can be so challenging is that we feel we are condoning the actions of the person who caused our suffering, but this is a misunderstanding of what is required. In order to forgive, we simply need to get to a place where we are ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was caused us.

What I told my friends - that are both struggling with postbreakup anger and emotions - is that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, and our forgiveness of others is an extension of our readiness to let go of our own pain. Getting to this point begins with fully accepting what has happened. Through this acceptance, we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions without acting out against our "ex" - or feeling like the emotions we're experiencing have to continue having the "ex" at the center. Because until you make YOURSELF the center - and let go of the "ex" - you'll never find forgiveness - for yourself most importantly - and perhaps him/her down the road.

I've had a special diary I've kept handwritten just on this journal - because my therapist thought it would be helpful to articulate my feelings in writing over a period of weeks. As I allowed myself to say what I needed to say and ask for what I needed to heal, I found that with time - things DID change.

It may be confusing, but it is a sign of progress. At times I feel as if I am slogging uphill through dense mud and thick trees, getting nowhere. And I know if I keep going, however, I will reach a summit and see clearly that I am finally freeing myself up from the past.

I have a favorite Thoreau quote that brandishes the bottom of my emails these days "As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness." I read this back in May when my therapist brought it to the table and said BAUGH! Forgiveness seemed like a forever road snaking up into a treacherous mountain pass. but my life DID simplify - and solitude stopped feeling like a prison - and my new budget because I wasn't sharing bills with a 2nd income - didn't feel like punishment for the time we dated - and my weakness for loving such a flawed individual so intensely - not weakness either - but proof that my heart works in spectacular fashion.

I've discovered in the last few weeks some real new perspective and new verve for forward motion. It didn't happen suddenly like "snap! I'm over that" - it just did happen. over time.

Do I forgive it all and have a skip through orange zenflavored poppies every morning with bluebirds landing on my shoulder - certainly not. and I do have my days where I fall back into the "wtfhappened" routine and get whining about loneliness. and I still have struggles about things - like Rick saying to my face that I can't make him feel guilty because he has no guilt about what he did. I can replay that conversation over and over in my head. When I do - I have anger spikes where I want to break and smash things. (HULK SMASH!) and I regret when I "go" there.

But...where I have reached is that place where I no longer identify myself with the end of my time dating Rick. Other levels of forgiveness are still to come - for me - and others. and there is a certain amount of karma being dealt here and there. and this place - where I no longer identify myself with the pain - the disappointment? is where I'm encouraging these other friends to follow.

Is it over? the thoughts and the meditations and lessons - hardly. It feels nice not to be carrying all that disappointment into my 40th year. and I still have lots to learn about forgiveness and its role in my life - in my personal relationships with everyone in my life. and I'm more and more convinced that the next novel (THE BOOK OF ROUGH METAPHORS) will deal with this topic head on - with unapologetic fierceness and authenticity.