for yourself.....

[thoreau]

I have a couple of friends - one of which ended his most recent relationship about the same time I stopped dating Rick, and another whom just ended his relationship around August 1st. They have both discussed with me recently about the role of anger in their seperate paths 'processing' the breakup.

One even said, complimentarily, "What is your secret to not being angry - ALL THE TIME?" I found it an interesting turn of events - when one, but two friends turned to me to find out what my secret was to being happy post-relationship.

It hadn't occured to me that I was once again - happy - and that energy was being witnessed by others. I'd gone from "wtfhappened" and people asking if I was "okay" - to "what is your secret to being happy?"

Well - as simple as it sounds. I let go of anger - I chose to no longer be angry. and I found that it's had ripple effects into other relationships with my family, my coworkers and lifelong friends. I simply realized I'd let go of anger. (and it didn't happen overnight - or in a simple prayer to myself - or with a simplistic decision to do so)

Anger is such an interesting topic - particularly when it has to do with your heart - and the things that we'll do when people you love make you angry.

I do a lot of meditating - perhaps - I'm addicted to it (it's been suggested by a few). Particularly in the weeksPC (post comcast) - I have had lots of time to really reintegrate it back into my life. and one of the topics - due to these online conversations with friends - and my own issues - is to journal and meditate on anger.

Back in May - when I finally told Rick I had to excuse him from my life - he said to me that my inability to be angry with him is one of the reasons he decided we weren't going to work out. I told him at the time - that I wasn't angry with him - but deeply, incredibly, powerfully disappointed. and I guess in my own fashion - thats how I was angry with him. and still am.

I'm just d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-e-d.

I'm a little angry at myself for letting my disappointments over it not working out - affect me for so long.

One of my meditation cards is about "forgiveness" - and I've come to learn an entirely NEW definition thanks to solid work on the subject with my therapist. When someone has hurt us, consciously or unconsciously, one of the most difficult things we have to face in resolving the situation is the act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an OVERT act.

Sometimes it feels like it's easier not to forgive and that the answer is to simply cut the person in question out of our lives. In some cases, ending the relationship may be the right thing to do, but even in that case, we will only be free if we have truly forgiven. So - I can hear you saying - but Robert? Isn't that exactly what you did, cut Rick out of your life and chose not to forgive. Not exactly - I asked Rick to excuse himself from my life because his behavior hurt me so badly - that I knew forgiveness would never come between him and I if I kept witnessing his life without some serious emotional space. I really want to reach that forgiveness place - and be able to have Rick in my life without it feeling like such a burden. I know one day I'll sit down with my pad and paper and tell him "I forgive you - and I have forgiven myself for the rough time we put each other through when you ended the relationship." I know that is in my future - but I've got more work to do.

The truth is - if we harbor bitterness in our hearts against anyone, we only hurt ourselves because we are the ones harboring the bitterness. Overtly choosing to forgive is choosing to alleviate ourselves of that burden, choosing to be free of the past, and choosing not to perceive ourselves as victims.

I posted a while back about the lyrics from the Willy Wonka composition, "Pure Imagination."

"There is no Life I know to compare with pure imagination
Living there you'll be free, if you truly wish to be"

You can only live free of these situations if you truly wish to be! How long can you remain feeling like "he fucked me over" - "he screwed me over" - "he left me for someone else" - "he this"/"he that" -

How long can you live like that and consider yourself "free" from the pain and hurt?

Right. You simply cannot.

That realization that I HAD TO CHOOSE MY OWN FREEDOM - was revolutionary for me! One of the reasons that forgiveness can be so challenging is that we feel we are condoning the actions of the person who caused our suffering, but this is a misunderstanding of what is required. In order to forgive, we simply need to get to a place where we are ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was caused us.

What I told my friends - that are both struggling with postbreakup anger and emotions - is that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, and our forgiveness of others is an extension of our readiness to let go of our own pain. Getting to this point begins with fully accepting what has happened. Through this acceptance, we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions without acting out against our "ex" - or feeling like the emotions we're experiencing have to continue having the "ex" at the center. Because until you make YOURSELF the center - and let go of the "ex" - you'll never find forgiveness - for yourself most importantly - and perhaps him/her down the road.

I've had a special diary I've kept handwritten just on this journal - because my therapist thought it would be helpful to articulate my feelings in writing over a period of weeks. As I allowed myself to say what I needed to say and ask for what I needed to heal, I found that with time - things DID change.

It may be confusing, but it is a sign of progress. At times I feel as if I am slogging uphill through dense mud and thick trees, getting nowhere. And I know if I keep going, however, I will reach a summit and see clearly that I am finally freeing myself up from the past.

I have a favorite Thoreau quote that brandishes the bottom of my emails these days "As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness." I read this back in May when my therapist brought it to the table and said BAUGH! Forgiveness seemed like a forever road snaking up into a treacherous mountain pass. but my life DID simplify - and solitude stopped feeling like a prison - and my new budget because I wasn't sharing bills with a 2nd income - didn't feel like punishment for the time we dated - and my weakness for loving such a flawed individual so intensely - not weakness either - but proof that my heart works in spectacular fashion.

I've discovered in the last few weeks some real new perspective and new verve for forward motion. It didn't happen suddenly like "snap! I'm over that" - it just did happen. over time.

Do I forgive it all and have a skip through orange zenflavored poppies every morning with bluebirds landing on my shoulder - certainly not. and I do have my days where I fall back into the "wtfhappened" routine and get whining about loneliness. and I still have struggles about things - like Rick saying to my face that I can't make him feel guilty because he has no guilt about what he did. I can replay that conversation over and over in my head. When I do - I have anger spikes where I want to break and smash things. (HULK SMASH!) and I regret when I "go" there.

But...where I have reached is that place where I no longer identify myself with the end of my time dating Rick. Other levels of forgiveness are still to come - for me - and others. and there is a certain amount of karma being dealt here and there. and this place - where I no longer identify myself with the pain - the disappointment? is where I'm encouraging these other friends to follow.

Is it over? the thoughts and the meditations and lessons - hardly. It feels nice not to be carrying all that disappointment into my 40th year. and I still have lots to learn about forgiveness and its role in my life - in my personal relationships with everyone in my life. and I'm more and more convinced that the next novel (THE BOOK OF ROUGH METAPHORS) will deal with this topic head on - with unapologetic fierceness and authenticity.

Comments

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

Interesting that you mention disappointment. Anger is something which I seldom have a problem with, but disappointment... hoo boy. I really, really, really don't deal well with that one.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I talk about the two emotions like Hersheys miniatures. There is milk chocolate - which is anger. It 'seems' easier to eat than the other choices with krispies or nuts. and I call disappointment "the special dark" - it's the "special dark" because it involves a darkness of blaming yourself and being disappointed in yourself (sometimes more than the person who's caused the pain in the first place).

a) I hope I haven't ruined eating Hershey's miniatures for you

and b) how do you process your way through disappointment? What do you find are the ways to not let disappointment rule your course.

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

a) I'm not supposed to have them anyway; I'm diabetic (although sometimes that doesn't stop me)
b) I haven't found any ways yet, aside from avoiding all risk of disappointment, and even that doesn't always work.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

but see when you leave a riskless life then you are letting the dissapointment rule your course!

perhaps we could yahoochat about this sometime. and we have to some extent already I think.

I think you are just such a good man....you are SUCH a sweetheart - with a creative mind and a open heart. perhaps we can break through a little chatting together. I'm no expert - but gosh - to simply decide that avoiding risk is the best course - - seems the like the most difficult path.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

i typed that too quickly and there are all sorts of wierd errors. but - do - come find me on chat sometime and we'll talk some more.

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

Rick said your inability to be *angry* was an issue for him?

Geezus. He sooo needs to live outside the leather/SOMA/whatever hothouse for awhile. (Not that that will ever happen.)

Like Bruno, by my definition of anger that's an emotion I don't experience often. But I do get frustrated with friends - and myself - when they or I can't get the hampster wheel of bad behavior -> bad outcome -> bad analysis/reflection -> more bad behavior et al.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

see my budget under "self help" :) be afraid of the monthly number when you combine therapist, yoga instructor and gym membership. but it's all worth it.

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

Thank you for these wise words, my friend. I have done a lot of letting go in the last two months. And as a result, I have found a lot of peace. But I still have a lot of letting to do -- letting go of my former partner, letting go of anger, letting go of "what might have been." It's nice to know I'm not alone in that long journey.

[wrascalbc.livejournal.com]

I can agree with everything you, Bruno and Joe have said. Disappointment is a bigger knife in the gut than anger. Often I try to figure out the motives and feelings of the 'offender', if you will. Do they ever get disappointed that they treated someone badly? Do they ever learn from their mistakes?

I really, really doubt it. And what a lonely life they must lead. I sort-of dated a man for a year and had been warned about RB's behaviour but decided I had to learn for myself. (And he was woofy...that was the other part of me.) Sure enough patterns were followed, I moved on and a new target was found.

For me getting over a recent disappointment is to find a new project or friend or friends. LJ is part of that, so is going to a new bowling league. Anything helps.
:o)

[bluebear2.livejournal.com]

I know how it is, just when you think that you're the world's worst fuck-up you find out that you're doing better than most people are.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I don't want this to come off like I think I'm doing better than anyone else.... I think I'm just farther down the path of forgiveness than my two friends have found themselves.

I actually - have been really careful NOT to compare myself to anyone else - and make this MY time for self healing and revelation. It makes no difference whether other people have ran off and jumped into other relationships - or been in a relationship and out of one since January. not at all.

But - it feels good to have my own personal journey be less foggy and intense.

[pulsecub.livejournal.com]

There's a part of me that wants to comment more deeply; there's a part that says to STFU; but the bigger part of me is just envious you've found this space, yet quite happy for you at the same time.

[insert-witty-quote-to-make-it-all-better here] :)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

we'll gab till dawn this weekend - don't worry.

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

i am actually proud of you. There was a time after you left Rick that discussing it meant immediate raising of shields that no one could penetrate. We all go through that "i want to be in a tower, with no doors" syndrome after someone hurts us. No matter how many times people say "i am here for you" or "Please throw down your hair", we tend to ignore them, and sometimes even say things that makes them wait a little longer before they return again.

Now your tower has several lower windows, (some with wonderfully fung shui window treatments), and of course your tower now has a fabulous doggy door for miss kate.

I am proud of you.

[truthfeather.livejournal.com]

Meditating on anger is repeatedly blowing out matches rather than starting a forest fire. We cannot control that others hurt us, but we are the ones who choose whether or not we fan the flames of it.
I find disappointment in others for me to be a judgement stance, for me it is less about anger and more about my expectations that i have projected onto someone else or onto my own experience. (the Should mantra cycle: things should be this.)
You are right too that forgiveness does not mean letting go of the experience, just the pain. I have had a different experience than you though. While i have found willingness to let go a necessary prerequisite to forgiveness. the actual experience of forgiveness is an outcome rather than a choice. in much the same way that relaxation is an outcome rather than an act.

[kbearblog.livejournal.com]

Definitely learning and practicing forgiveness is a secret to happiness, otherwise the hurts and disappointments of life can become a poison that constantly eats away at your contentment. Harboring hurt feelings and grudges for wrong doing are a cancer on the soul!

I've also learned that Gratitude for what I am and for what I have, along with the forgiveness for what isn't "right" in my world brings personal peace.

[tinman11201.livejournal.com]

thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm constantly amazed at how the things I need to read and think about come to me exactly when I'm ready to hear/read/see them.

I have been working through the heartbreak and huge disappointment towards a man that I fell for with all my soul and he didn't just break up with me once, but needed me and I said yes and then broke up with me even more painfully a 2nd time.

At times this year, I've felt like my heart would never heal and that at the age of 45 I was done. What's left? But those were the egoic cries of a broken heart and I hate admitting that the cliche of "time heals everything" actually is true, but it does. It's been 7 months since the "bad" 2nd breakup and at times my heart and body still ache for him. When one person suddenly closes the door without warning, it feels so hard to try to turn off the feelings of love and loyalty that were so strong.

But anyway, I could ramble on and on (and have in the privacy of my home, lamenting his loss) but I just want to say thank you again. I'm grateful to know you even if only through your words on LJ.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Matters of the heart, Bill, are so damned difficult. At 45 - you are in so many ways just beginning. You are beautiful inside and out and a real great guy - and there is someone far more complimentary that you'll find as part of the journey. Just like me - perhaps you were projecting the energy of a heartbroken man - and that scares a lot of people. as we let go of the heartbreak (and god damn do I know how powerful it feels) - and make decisions to move forward? Then we project the kind of energy that brings us all together - when we can see the healing in someone else - in ourselves.

I also hate the "time heals" - but it's true. But I don't think time heals "everything." There is a great scene in one of the Hannibal Lecter novels where a detective whom Lecter stabbed through at the beginning of the story - is now looking at Lecter through thick glass. and Lecter says "I hope by now your scars have healed - but they will always be there to remind you the past was real."

We love - and we risk when we do... and it's about owning the best parts of the risk as well as the tough parts. It's owning how we loved - and perhaps what we chose to ignore in the man we were with BECAUSE we loved.

The biggest lesson here after dating Rick long distance for nine months - then moving here to be with him - only for him to decide it wasn't what he wanted?

Is that I need to love with my eyes a little more open next time I risk with my heart.

I should have never moved in with him when I arrived in SF - and then the pain of him not being up to the journey would have been far less.

I'm glad we're friends on LJ too.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I actually just spent some time over morning coffee at your website - and we're a lot more alike than I thought! So many shared interests and passions. :) YAY!³

[tinman11201.livejournal.com]

YAY, glad to hear it! "we'll talk"

[cuyahogarvr.livejournal.com]

So much to say.....
such a powerful entry.
FIRST though, I am so happy to read this coming from you. It's powerful to see someone's journey and growth unfolding before your eyes. I know at times, you have been so wrapped up in the disappointment that you were unable to see how far you'd come, but you have traveled so far along the journey that it's almost like watching a new soul being born. Good for you!
I think I'll leave it at that for now........
Having recently forgiven a deep hurt, I don't want to re-visit the anger and disappointment at this point.
Thank you for the re-affirmation of the goodness of the human soul.

[djmadadam.livejournal.com]

in my own case . . .

[danibearess.livejournal.com]

.
There was anger, but it was at my own failings. Losing my Angel brought home the work I had to do. That's what changed things for me, dealing with my crap.

that (far happier with himself) SpencerBear