agreements....

[thoreau]

Okay - I've been revisiting Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements" - after I reccomended the book to a customer over the weekend. Ruiz (using Toltec stories and legends) tries to help people identify the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. As with most self-help, personal journey statements - his stuff is a lot easier said than done in real time.

Here is the summary of Ruiz's "Four Agreements":

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

(pausing so you can read those four at least once all the way through without skimming. take your time)

Okay..... You might read these and say "whats the big deal muffin man - this all makes common sense - guh+duh! This is just stupid self help crap" Wow - reader! Lighten up! (giggle) I do agree that to a certain extent self help stuff is laiden with simplicities and sometimes yes - crap.

But - lets have fun and simply discuss these shall we?



#1 - Be Impeccable in your Word
This (when I was younger) was a challenge - I was always talking to impress or even outright exaggerate to make my point. While now in my 40s - I am still prone to some exaggeration and theatrics; I do try to live by this one. I try my best to never gossip or speak about people in a way that I wouldn't right to their face. Now this doesn't make me Mr. Popular - but then that's not the goal. The goal is to be on a path of truth and love - and the folks that are naturally going to be attracted to your energy in that space - will be. But we also have to be prepared for folks that aren't attracted to that energy and will come at with weapons. I also try not to get caught up in the gay sarcasti-wit that is so prevalent in our little subculture. It seems if we're not knocking something or "oooh grrrl" about something - we're not seen as witty or relevant. Well - thats my little view anyway. But - I notice that when I cease that kind of behavior - others that don't get the sarcasta-lifestyle end up in the life with me - and walking a path with little or none of that. Yay!

okay - onto #2 - Don't Take Anything Personally
Who is Ruiz think he's kidding? This is the toughest of things for me - particularly since my lifetime of programming that if something fails it's entirely my fault and therefore a personal failure. Ruiz says "What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." OMG what a dream world that would be - to be immune to the opinions and actions of others. It truly would be an end to a lot of self induced suffering and anquish. I find myself being reactive to people rather than responsive - and I know that is a shortcoming. But - - I also have to own and try to realize that I'm only responsible for me -a nd shouldn't be preaching to others how they should be or how they should be acting - - let them project their 'own reality, their own dream." Of the four agreements - this is the one that is really the toughest for me. How about you?

#3 - Don't Make Assumptions
This has become easier in my life as I get older... I guess if I don't want people to make assumptions about me - I don't make assumptions about other people. None of is perfect - if I see someone on the street - I sometimes let my first impression rule whether I say "good morning" to them or not - when I should - in holding true to this agreement - assume he/she are having a great morning and won't pepper spray me if I say "good morning".

(not that this particular example has ever happened but it's a nice mental picture huh? good morning (spray) AAUUUUGH OH MY GOD)

But assumptions can get us in lots of trouble. say we're cruising Manhunt and we see older mature guy with dark eyes, big mustache and muscular body. his looks make us say "big muscle daddy - wants to hurt me and dominate me." Now - what if you meet this guy expecting to be hurt and dominated and he calls you "Sir" through the whole coffee date and asks YOU to chain him to the bed and sleep with his face in YOUR crotch.
We are then guilty of assumptions which led to expectations - which are now swirling around in your head in real time.

so - this one can be a silent but deadly defeater - so it's something to watch out for.

Okay - and finally - #4 - Always Do Your Best
Okay - i can hear someone saying this sounds awfully boyscouty - and Ruiz is being lazy by putting this on there. There is some truth to that - but - - - - - ALWAYS is a very strong statement. Not Try - Not Sometimes - but ALWAYS do your best. The Ruiz-ism says "Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret." Some of us - are trained from an early age to achieve great heights of emotional sadism when it comes to self-judgment, self-abuse and regrets. The Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda complex. Particularly creative people can create amazing things - then sit and tear it apart piece by piece until it no longer is what the creative person set out to accomplish. I know that I get in spots with my writing - and my designs for work and other projects where I simply look at something and say "god - bob - that's just a giant heaping pile of nasty excrement" or "god - bob - thats a big bucket of fucked".
I think (for me) that the biggest part of doing your best is allowing it to come through - and not get filtered. Sometimes my best work is spontaneous and just flows out of me - and when my guard is down (that little emotional sadist guard standing in leather ready to whip my enthusiasm down and make me make statements like "a big bucket of fuck") and things just leap to life. Amazing things can happen when you ALLOW yourself to do you best in every situation and don't let things get in the way. (the others in my head gangup on the guard and leave him tied up in the corner - but he likes that)

anyhow - this came out way more rambly and blahblahselfhelpblah than I really intended. But I know there are a few of you out there that might chime up.

What do you all think?

Comments

[pdsexton.livejournal.com]

Thank you. These reminders were very timely. I too struggle with #2. I've been working on #1 and #3. I'm usually pretty good at #4, but my big challenge has been learning the difference between my best and doing too damned much. I'm also guilty of ripping my artistic output to shreds. It is what it is, and it is mine. I'm beginning to accept that.

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

It does indeed seem that the most important compacts you need to make between yourself and the reality around you can be expressed in very simple terms that are damned hard to execute moment to moment.

So, speaking for my own experience...here goes:

Be Impeccable in Your Word
Most of the time, this is pretty natural to me. I have a tendency to be quite open about my thoughts, my life, and my identity. Very often I tell people they may or may not like what I have to say but there's very little room to guess where I'm coming from. The speaking with love part is something I do readily enough most of the time but I find it does require cultivating a certain mindfulness. As a communicator, I'm very attentive to the words used with me and the words I use with others. I do my best (rule #4) to select my words and selectively express my views with an eye toward consideration for the feelings of others and avoiding unnecessary pain and conflict.

I think where I struggle with this is when I commit to something or someone with the very best of intentions only to find that I overcommit and can't always follow through to the degree that I would like. I need to learn how to say "no" when I can't reliably deliver on "yes".

Don't Take Anything Personally
This can be very tough. Tough because it requires an awareness of and intentional engagement with one's ego. Because genuine offense more often than not is an ego reaction. Being armed with that knowledge is how I try to make this commitment in my own life.

Ego is a tough creature. It will speak its mind no matter how detached we try to be about things. Rather than try to silence my ego, I allow it to have its moment in my mind. I call those moments "ego reactions". Instead of suppressing them, I let them unfold. I see them for what they are...a passing bit of spiritual bad weather that will blow over in time. Sometimes it takes more time than others, but it always blows over eventually. Like anybody in the Northwest can attest, staying dry is a matter of paying attention to the moody weather and being prepared to respond in kind. I try to do that within myself. I try to keep my ego storm internal and not inflict it onto others. I let it take shape and dissipate without letting it become permanent climate.

Don't Make Assumptions
Like you, this gets easier for me as I get older. I think if you pay any attention to life, you notice and learn the perils of assuming too much. Can't say I'm perfect at this, but I've gotten better and better at challenging my own assumptions as well as assumptions presented to me. It's a critical thinking skill that I wish more people practiced.

Always Do Your Best
This is going to sound somewhat Clintonesque, but I think the key here is parsing "always" and "best" so you can seek to put the best effort that is possible and necessary in the face of a given challenge. We each respond to and engage the events of our lives according to our gifts. Some of us have more gifts than others. Some have more developed gifts than others. I think the key here is to recognize and be mindful of one's own varying capacity and desire to invest of self in a given situation.

Having said that, I do think that if something is worth your effort, it's worth giving a good effort. Now that doesn't always mean putting shoulder firmly to the wheel and pushing with all your might. To pour everything you have into every situation is draining. Can I say that I'm always giving 110% at every job I've had? No. But I deliver good, solid work that most of the time exceeds the expectations of those to whom I'm delivering. And when it comes to my own acts of creation...those in which I'm personally invested...I always try to put the utmost care and energy into the project. If I can't do that in a given situation, I usually don't try at all.

I think of the words of Yoda. "Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try." Following that guidance doesn't insure a succesful outcome or steer us clear of eventual regrets for a better outcome. But it does allow us to say that we did what was possible.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I am so glad you responded to this Davo. :) I tell ya - you are one of those folks I know would be glued to my inner circle were we geographically associated. (giggle) could that have sounded any more gross? geographically associated? I need to lighten up! LOL!

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

Robert - timely stuff. "The Four Agreements" is the only personal self-help book I've ever bought (except for some investing/$$ mgmt. stuff) and also the only one that really ever seemed worth much.

I think it's easy to misinterpret #2 as "don't respect others' feelings and opinions about *anything*", rather than what Ruiz was really trying to get across ... that is, be genuine, be "yourself", not yet another reaction to others' projections. It's very, very hard, even for someone with a positive self-image (something I finally have, after some hard work).

I'm pretty good about 1-3. #4 is still a struggle sometimes but at least I am aware of that.

Thank you for the post, and all the good discussion so far. :)

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

David - many thanks for your words here. #2, in particular really spoke to me.

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. You and I are so often of a kind that it's a great pity we aren't able to spend more time in each other's company. I may have to take a little trip down to SF sometime just to hang out with you at some length.

Glued, eh? Well, close proximity isn't something that would be at all gross to me ;) Sometimes sticky is fun.

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

Without going into the specific content of your post (until perhaps later), I will only say that I tried reading this book but couldn't get past the first few pages. I'm used to reading non-fiction, so I get really put off by the mushy-minded New Age books teeming with unproven, unsupported, and often ridiculous assumptions, reasoning by analogy, and other flaws of logic.

Which is not to say anything against the agreements per se. Maybe he just needed a good editor. Maybe all those kinds of books do.

[cubdaddy.livejournal.com]

I gave that book to my Sister and she loved it. Very inspirational.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

well - tell me what you think of the four agreements as stated above - MINUS Ruiz' toltecian mumbo jumbo.

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're not much of a fan of intuitive paths to learning. That's a perfectly fair choice to make. I happen to enjoy putting both my intuition and my reason to combined use to achieve insight. But I don't think I'd be inclined to belittle as mushy-minded anybody who doesn't follow my personally chosen path to a better humanity. But individual mileage clearly does vary.

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

All excellent and obvious principles of course, but I find new-age self help stuff like this, well, to be frank, indulgent and vapid.I'm not trying to be insulting, but I find this sort of writing irrelevant.

When we have around a third of the world living on $2 a day, this sort of navel gazing doesn't inspire me. Probably the sociologist in me coming out.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

wowsers! a viewpoint I hadn't considered. and I know it's an awfully American viewpoint to be able to spend this kind of time and stop and navel gaze. Thanks. I guess since I don't live on $2 a day - I've indulged a bit.

I really appreciate your note. :) sincerely.

Core Philosophical Point:

[walterwz.livejournal.com]

Contrary to what most people believe, the universe is governed by pure chaotic random chance. There is no transcendent meaning or purpose. If there was any such thing as transcendent meaning and purpose it would be utterly beyond our comprehension.

In so far as this basic concept is true, much of the sturm und dreng of life is our own interpretation of our own narrative.

I do not see any reason why we can't simply let that go and get over it.

[mikeybill.livejournal.com]

Sorry if it came across too judgemental Robert, that wasn't my intent. And it's not just an American viewpoint at all, I think it's more a prosperous world-view. I know, even those of us in the wealthy west have our problems, and they need to be dealt with. But sometimes self-help stuff just rubs me up the wrong way.

And I'm not a big fan of America-bashing. I like lots of stuff to do with the USA.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

honey - no - if I was insulted or felt you were being judgemental? I would have said - HOLY SHIT DO I FEEL INSULTED AND JUDGED - but I don't. I know that Americans feel entitled and do naval gaze and other things that others in the world simply don't have the luxury to do. I know that the problems or issues I think about in my life are laughable under another lense. I own that.

You are great for speaking your heart and telling me how you feel.

*HUGGAGE!*

Re: Core Philosophical Point:

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

human nature?

"letting go and getting over it" is simply an unreasonable expectation. don't you think?

[jwg.livejournal.com]

Many books just go overboard trying to explain a point and perhaps justify their purchase price. If is often just the essence of the idea that has the value. And I think that definitely applies to these four points.

I remember slogging through a 700 page management book by I think it was James Martin, a supposed management guru. I got two basic ideas from it that I could have gotten from a 2 page document. One idea was that when considering to continue a project that has been going on for a while and is probably in trouble, think about whether you would start it now and if the answer is no, then probably it is time to stop - sometimes this is phrased as "don't throw good money after bad". At the moment I don't remember the other idea.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

thats true - the book is all of 80 pages or so. :) but thats sorta why I posted it - the summary statement paragraph is good to cht about I think. :)

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

Hasn't it always been the case that philosophy is an indulgence that only the unusually well off manage to afford?

But I don't think care for people living on the other side of the world on $2 a day and using the opportunity our prosperity provides to determine what constitutes a moral life are mutually exclusive pursuits. In fact, I can do a lot more about the items in the original post than I can about solving poverty worldwide.

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

Brevity with tremendous depth (IMHO) is one of the reasons why Khalil Gibran's The Prophet has long been one of my favorite books and a frequent source of perspective that I try to put into practice.

Re: Core Philosophical Point:

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

Well, if you believe (as I do) that all consciousness is part of an interconnected fabric that only appears to take isolated, localized forms, then perhaps it's our purpose to create the transcendence for the universe. The harmony we create for ourselves locally contributes in subtle and indirect ways to the larger pool of collective consciousness that may in time be the origin of transcendence. And if it's not, then there's no foul in trying to work out how to live with the greatest possible harmony with self and with others.

[budmassey.livejournal.com]

Don't take things personally.

Man, that one hit home. I am a perfectionist, and I cannot take criticism. One of my students gave me a bad evaluation last quarter. Despite the fact that most of my students are fans and treat me like a rock star, that bothered me. I even recommended that the student in question transfer out of my independent study class next quarter because I could not be objective with him any longer.

What an ego! I even planned on burying him with research assignments next quarter. How can I be so childish?

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I'm coming to this late in the day; and obviously, many people have spoken eloquently to the topic. Briefly, I've always tried to live Numbers 1 and 4. I've gotten better over time with Number 3, though my examples wouldn't be nearly as entertaining as yours:)

Number 2 is a challenge for me. Most recently ... the 18 months as a caregiver to Dad ... People were always telling me not to take Dad's abuse personally. (It really wasn't my Dad, as the medical events warped his reality.) However, in the moment, it felt personal. With regard to the theatre and casting, I've gotten much better at not taking rejection personally. In general, I'm much better with not taking things personally, but still have much work to do.

Great topic! HUGS!

Re: Core Philosophical Point:

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

Hee hee -- I can't help giggling at the mixed (and contradictory) metaphor of a universe that is all "random chance" but at the same time "is governed" by something. Which is it!??

Okay, I'll shut up. I agree that the universe has no intrinsic purpose or meaning, but I don't think that necessarily invalidates this particular discussion on human behavior.

All that glitters...

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

Hmmm.... Okay well now that I've had time to read this over... I am still captivated by the "mumbo jumbo" aspect of it. Or as my high school English teacher would put it, the "glittering generalities" -- a phrase that applies to each of the so-called agreements. They're all vague enough to admit exceptions that I could drive a Mac truck through, were I butch enough to manage it.

At the same time, I could also interpret them in valid Sunday-School-style lessons for my own life (but without the wit and eloquence that you have brought to the project). That's the beauty of generalities: You can get out of them whatever you put in.

In any case, I certainly enjoyed seeing how you used them as a springboard for some very interesting reflections on and lessons for your life.

[coryblank.livejournal.com]

Robert,

I reflected on the anguish I've experienced here in recent months. If I had been aware of and followed the Four Agreements, I could have spared myself from so much hurt. I let the words, actions and inaction of the person I love more than anyone hurt me so deeply. I then assumed that their physical and emotional abandonment of our relationship was because of me. Of course, I could always be more impeccable with my word. I am trying to do my best these days. I owe it to myself to pick up a copy of "The Four Agreements".

Thanks for putting the time and effort into this post!

*Big Hug*

Cory