thoreau

I watched the documentary "Into Great Silence" tonight. It spends some time with Carthusian Monks in the Alps in southern France. I'm sipping hot noodle soup and drinking a big glass of merlot. Kate is sitting here next to me on the couch.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was out of sorts all day. There is a lot of turbulence out there in the world - great upturns - intense upheavals - hard endings - blossoming spring like beginnings - sudden departures.

during this documentary - it spends sections simply focused in silence on the faces of each brother at the monastery. great sparkling eyes. some that have nervous eyes that go anywhere but the camera.

it follows two initiates - as they take the "embrace of peace" and spend their first six months becoming members of the community. Cutting wood, washing utensils, sharing int he labor as well as the silence. The film is intense - it has no score and no voiceover. The community sings its prayers occasionally - but mostly it is following the brothers through their duties. It is incredible.

The quiet is what I needed as well. in 1998-2000 I survived testicular cancer - and watched as others at the clinic at the time we're not so fortunate. I can remember telling Jim to keep the faith - that he too could beat all this struggle. It's been heartbreaking to watch him make the transition. This past spring - during my "break from LJ" - I also spent a month and a half sick with staph. It broke out on my chest after i had a cyst removed in my chest. It was awful - terrible stuff. and it took them a long while to figure out what drugs might work - I have a myrriad of medical allergies on top of my HIV positive status. in a simple week for instance - the sore on my chest grew to the size of a 50 cent piece. it was AWFUL. There are few other LJers who have experienced MSRA (drug resistant) staph this spring as well. So when I heard that James in Dallas made the transition as the result of a staph infection - it was also hard news. I'm not saying this to illicit any sort of sympathy - only for context. I am very lucky all the way around - I've only been hospitalized once for HIV, twice during my fight with cancer - and they managed to get my staph breakout this spring under control very quickly once they figured the right drug combo out. So - I'll repeat that I'm only talking about all this for context.

My generation of gay men started losing friends right out of the starting gate. I was 22 when the first man in my life died from AIDS. I spent my 20s in Seattle - running away from something I knew I had the entire time. I ignored all of the warnings from everyone from my parents - to fellow gay men - that warned me about the risks and the terrible things it was bringing on people. It's terrible that since I left high school - death has been part of my life. Now - i realize that in America we are lucky that it hasn't always been that way. There are countries and communities in the world where death has always been part of the life cycle from the very beginning.

I hate writing memorial notes in my journal - but I'm glad that it doesn't ever get easy to do - or something I dislike. A friend said today - "man is the only creature that is aware from an early age - that one day they'll die." and I thought that was an interesting point of view.

I have long lived without focusing on getting older or worrying about things like that. but having two peers make the transition - not from HIV or AIDS - but make the transition from perfect vibrant health - has been hard to process. I'm hoping I get a better night's sleep tonight - I process better when I'm rested.

Death always has me thinking about the next journey - as men have for centuries. Then I quickly move to "honey - don't worry about that - worry about THAT when you get there - for now - worry about THIS journey - and this red clay path."

I am reading Christopher Moore's "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Jesus' childhood pal" and "The Garden of Truth: The Vision and Promise of Sufism, Islam's Mystical Tradition" - and neither of those seems to be keeping my brain from returning to Jim and James.

I knew Jim a lot better than I knew James - James was a livejournal pal - who always had fun posts - and talked about his windowwashing business and living with his father. Curious that his last journal entry was about keeping a positive attitude even when he was not feeling well.

Jim Daniel and I chatted and emailed for years... and I was so excited to move here to be closer so he and I could hang out. but his health never really allowed that to happen. He was understandably relying more on established friends - and making Ray a top priority. Ray and I took Kateydog and Satine into to see Jim one time at SFAI - RAY showed up with Satine "look I got you a puppy". (giggle) Jim was such a bright person - so incredibly worldly - and someone I really respected. In the years at Boise State (mine) I always enjoyed talking education and we shared many laughing chats about how it all worked and didn't work.

The credits are rolling on "Into Great Silence" now - and i've finished my merlot. I wrote this entry much more for myself to remember these thoughts and this moment in time. So - not that I don't want to discuss stuff - but I've disabled comments. It really was about recording feelings and just writing it out. Because when I'm struggling through something - writing always helps. Just simply sitting down with my cratchety old laptop and typing my thoughts out.

the last bible verse they show on the documentary - before one more pan of the brothers faces? is Ezekiel. "I will remove from you a heart of stone - and give you a heart of flesh."

ugh. and they spent time panning over an elderly monk - while a fellow brother rubs moisturizer into his skin. They pan close enough you can see the blood vessels in his hands as he grasps the chair in front of him. It is literally done almost silently. The elderly man staring at the floor as the younger monk affectionately - and sensitively - rubs the lotion onto his sholders and arms.

the imagery in this documentary is simply haunting. It's interesting how as gay men - we've created out own community. Hardly silent - but how we're often in the business of supporting one another - up or down. intense stuff.

I'm going to go try to read - and get an early night. I hope all of you are well.