questions month (answer #2) for kbearblog

[thoreau]

#2 from kbearblog: So Bob you are a handsome, well adjusted man, with just the right amount of drama thrown in the mix to make you delightful, what greatest personal characteristic did you have to conqueror to get to this point in your life?

Honestly? I had to stop giving a fuck what anyone else thinks. I laughed at myself when I said that to myself, because it sounds conceited and fucked up. but it's true. (and gosh I use the F word too darn much)

Due to my unique childhood with bootedintexas - I've always been programmed to worry ENTIRELY TOO MUCH what other people think. and to do things for other people. I've also been taught that 99% of the time I'm never going to reach other people's expectations. Get good grades? I was almost purposely a C+/B- student in high school even though I was capable of a lot more - because I always knew Drew would get better grades? so why try? Just setting myself up for disappointment. And one of the biggest lessons of my first relationship - and the rickisode - is that in my relationships? I've given up way to much of myself for the sake of a relationship. In both - I accepted behavior for sometimes years - that I should have never accepted. and always blamed myself - and didn't do what in my heart I knew I SHOULD be doing because I was afraid of what my lover might think. and I used to hold myself back professionally the same exact way. And I still do to some extent. but far less often. I had to stop living my life for other people - and sieze the opportunity to have the life I wanted - and if someone wants to join me on that path, great - if not - even better. Nothing more negative than having a 'partner' along that doesn't really want to be there. So - living my life for someone else? no no no. Thanks for the question Kbear! you are bestest!

Want to ask me a question? go here and ask away! Bring-it!

Comments

[apparentparadox]

Have you read "First Person Plural" by Andrew W.M. Beierle? You may find it very interesting.

I know some of what you speak -- my "twin" brother was born on my first birthday (long labor!), so we had some of the aspects of twins, and some of the differences of just being siblings. But, we also partitioned the world a bit to make it easier on us.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Drew and I tried "partitioning" but often we just end up in the same pool (take livejournal for instance). As I get older - it becomes easier to ignore or forget the negative and focus on what IS accomplishable and reasonable in our relationship.