...is not something you wish for...

[thoreau]

I adore this quote from Robert Fulghum. He wrote in a favorite book of mine - From Beginning to End : The Rituals of Our Lives. (if you like his stuff - it's a lovely book)

The holidays have always been full of interesting history for me. Growing up - my father hated the holidays - mostly because his mother (whom he was extremely close and supported most of his life from his teens onward) died on Christmas Eve - and it simply made the holiday a reminder of that for his entire life. We'd put the tree up the Monday before Christmas - and it would come down December 26th. The mood around our house growing up became less happy as Christmas got closer. As much as you try to detach yourself from your childhood experiences - (say spending Christmas in 1986 tossing around a frozen solid football on north pole ice with your shipmates having broken through the ice on a submarine?) - Christmas combined with the darkness of winter solstice - always has struck me as a odd time of year. Add to that the oddness that was the Rickisode^tm in winter 2006 - and Christmas kept up it's track record of just being an awkwardly faux holiday for me.

However - in the last year - year and a half, there are several things that have changed in my perception. First - is a concept I've been pondering about and discussing here and there. (thanks Jan excessor) It may sound simple, but here it is. I've been meditating and thinking on the concept of responding to the world vs. reacting to it.

Responding is defined (for the sake of this post) as "To react positively or favorably" and reacting is defined as "To act in response to or under the influence of a stimulus or prompting". Where one is an instantaneous response (often loaded with emotions of our own and the perceived emotions of others) - and the other becomes a luxurious choice - the "lets take a moment and think this through - perhaps stop and open our mind before opening our mouth" approach.

In a 'reactive' world - we all feed on each others ups and downs; and project our own ups and downs on everyone else. It is tough to see the forest for the trees - when you allow everyone around you to define the trees for you. I've started achieving a new focus - that responsive one.

Being responsive allows you to accomplish several things. First - far less of life is taken personally. As Don Ruiz says in the "four agreements" - "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." This has been a truly revolutionary paradigm shift for me in the past year. I wish I'd learned this particular lesson much earlier in life - - it might have helped me reconcile with my father, strengthen failed relationships (which may well have failed anyway... but...) and allow me to move through life doing as Fulghum suggests.

I spent so many years - feeling that I would find peace in my life through others - through activities - through this or that. and all those years of struggling for a peaceful life - I had the equation backwards. Peace is not something you go seeking in anything other than yourself. Peace becomes something you make, something you do, something you are, something you give away.

Now - lets not get carried away and think perhaps I'm declaring myself issue-free and the next best muffin to Mother Theresa. (OMG ROTFL) ahem. I guess when I see all the "lets make the christmas season about peace" sentiments - I feel like that is contrary idea. Because peace is not something you wish for; it is simply something you choose to embrace and DO something with in your life.

I've been reticent to write about this "out in the open" in an unlocked post - because I don't want folks who start humming "Silver Bells" at Thanksgiving dinner to feel that this diminishes the beauty of the Holiday season. For some it's about celebrating the birth of Christ and all that means to Christians worldwide; others it is the turning of the earth - the opportunity to celebrate the rebirth of the earth and beginning of new cycles. For the Buddhist (me in my own personal way) - it is a time to remind myself to continue on the red clay path that is my own personal faith and direction. Making peace with yourself (no matter how you accomplish that task) helps you make it something you can then share with others in everything you do.

Happy Holidays....

Comments

[wescobear.livejournal.com]

I think most people live with a set of unchallenged assumptions and stepping back to see how well they fit you is a good exercise.

In my case I'm not a big drinker. Two glasses of red wine or one of champagne and I'm visibly tipsy. For years I would go to New Year's parties and watch people getting drunk while waiting to give a big cheer at 12:00: for what? They did it and I came along because it was what everyone did.

Now I skip all the parties and go to bed well before midnight. I set my alarm clock and get up extra early to see the sun rise on January 1st. It may not be common, but it just seems to be a really positive way to start the year in the stillness of the early morning. It has become my tradition.

[kenwoodville.livejournal.com]

I have to say that I'm deeply disappointed...because all this time I've been secretly thinking of you as "Mother Muffin Theresa"...of course I'm not serious.

One of the things I've learned from facing the fact that I may not survive this cancer is that we have to make peace with ourselves...that nobody else is responsible for our own happiness, and that inner peace is truly something we must choose.

I hope it doesn't sound strange to say that I find it somewhat comforting to know that others took most of their lives to learn this lesson.

I'm so glad that you have learned it now too...

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

You'd have figured when I was facing cancer and surgery and treatment in the late 90s that this lesson would have come at that point - but the experience did jigger me and point me in a new direction - all in their own time right?

[kenwoodville.livejournal.com]

Everything in its own time...everything, I suppose there is not much more we can ask for...

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

a very thoughtful post. yay cubed.

There were times when we were younger that you almost saw the sigh of relief on Dad when we no longer waited up for Santa.

Well, now that i look back (pause). There was the christmas of Ernie and Cookie Monster (the puppets)...which Dad regretted for many years to come. especially when i thought pulling the string in the bottom of the puppet made Cookie Monster pregnant (not full with cookies)...and that Ernie was the father.

[truthfeather.livejournal.com]

grins serenely at you.

Just so. You might find anthony Demello's take on things interesting. He was a Jesuit and a mystic. http://www.demello.org/

[musicbearmn.livejournal.com]

Wonderful...from the heart and the soul.

[nudewoody.livejournal.com]

Thank you Robert.

[toomanytshirts.livejournal.com]

After reading this post, I just added the following lines to my profile:

"...

Nothing others do is because of you.

I am my own force, my own heaven, and my own hell - and I am not nor do I need to be perfect. I think I'll have the peanut butter, then."

I would have said that a reactive life is one where every action and behavior one undertakes is done so because something happened to or around them, but is no more meaningful than a trained animal doing tricks. A responsive life, however, is one in which the person is having a conversation with the world around him, yes still reacting, but doing so with thought and purpose however forgivably mistaken on occasion.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

and there - my friend - is the reason you are on my friends list! :)

(David and I still need to meet you for coffee or breakfast - free Sunday morning?)

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

Robert - Many thanks for this reminder and context.

While I have made good progress towards the thinking "every day and occasion is special", the weird faux-holiday uneasiness is something I deal with this time of year too. By coincidence, my mom lost her Dad on Xmss Eve, as well ... but I didn't know this fact until well into my teens (one of several family dramas Mom Wolf kept to herself). Once known, it certainly explained much.

I try to accept and enjoy whatever holiday invites I get, and remember that their is no agenda attached to them other than affection and friendship. :>)