try before you buy....

[thoreau]

So - David turns to me this morning and says if I'd thought of moving to Palo Alto. then right back to his breakfast like it was a no big deal. I told him that apartments for rent here were as or more expensive than San Francisco - and that it made no sense. then he laughed - and said "no - I meant move in here - as in move in together." (okay - so I can be dense sometimes) I think he was caught off-guard with my cautious response. I told him that my relationship experience told me that moving in together is a big deal. With Jon in Seattle, then Boise - - we moved in together after dating for six months; and the first year was very rough; but then lived together happily for five years after that (then two years not so much; but cohabitation wasn't the issue at that point). With my past relationship - cohabitation wasn't the issue either - it was dating someone pathologically incapable of promising to do something - and following through. to the point of almost doing the opposite. So after throwing all that "issues" type stuff out there - he smiled and said that he thought my issues with past move-ins were mute - because they were all different situations. He felt that since we've been solidly dating for over a year it was time to discuss it. He wasn't suggesting May 1st or anything. In the process our chat I suggested a "try before you buy" plan. Meaning - we'd mark a week on the calendar - and I'd "live" in Palo Alto for that week. Moving to Palo would add a 45-60 minute commute both directions to get to my current job. There is also Miss Kate to consider. How would she get walked? fed? loved? etc. So while no date has been set for the 'try before you buy' week(s) --- thats the current plan. I want to do this carefully; I want it to be something we both want and are comfortable with. While the realigned financial setup would be most lovely (living expenses would fall dramatically from car insurance to 1/2 the fees and condo stuff and household stuff here) Dave was very sweet to listen through all my thoughts and worries and excitements. so we'll try the "pretend" week or two - and decide from there. stay tuned, chickadees!

Comments

[cuyahogarvr.livejournal.com]

Very logical and very wise. Although we didn't try a week long trial (the commute wouldn't work for me at all), we did have almost a year and a half of extended weekends/vacations to see if we could live together. Of course, as you know, there were still some necessary adjustments once I moved to Maryland.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

even I am aware of what living full time with the muffin and her princess puppy can cause in a math researcher's decades old living routines. So we'll see how this goes!

Next week - on Muffin & the Mathematician!

[philbutrin.livejournal.com]

congrats on reaching the place where you guys are ready for this :-)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

well - we're ready for the discussion at least. (wink)

[designerotter.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a sensible plan to me - not that I've ever had any experience with a live-together situation myself... but I've sometimes wondered how these things are arranged. Thanks for the window into your experiences, and best wishes on making it all turn out fine !

[budmassey.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just have to say "What the fuck?"

[philhasablog.livejournal.com]

That's a wonderful conversation. Mazel Tov.

When "My David" and I were first dating, I stayed over a couple of days, and then one day I stayed a couple of nights, and then he took my shirt to the laundry and so I stayer another night.

A couple of months later we dropped by the house where I paid rent and he asked why and I reminded him I paid rent there and we began to ask - why?

I guess it was the try before you buy plan but you can never know what tomorrow will be like and if you spend your whole life wondering whether the time is right it never will be. So try. But before you do think about what happens if you find you can't stand living together. What does that say about the future of "you two"?

Breathe, and love, and spend a night in Palo Alto. And if it's good spend another, and when you find yourself asking why you're still paying rent in town then you'll probably have your answer.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

we are both extremely committed. and would be happy with seperate houses. but - with Caltrain we're only 40 minutes from downtown SF - and we have MUCH more room here vs. my box of an apartment in SF. We'll see. :)

[apparentparadox]

If Caltrain is an option, then it works pretty well -- giving you time to do stuff while on the train rather than just wasting time while driving.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

oh I would NEVER drive the commute. and I've tentatively started dropping resumes at Stanford and the neighborhood already.

[audrabaudra.livejournal.com]

David's obviously an analytical person, and he's thought this one through. I think his invitation is promise of a very happy life together, and you both deserve the best. See how it goes and enjoy the time together--full-time!

[bibliocub.livejournal.com]

Congrats! I think you two are going at the right speed for you both, not that my opinion matters. Of course you know that Michael and I dated long distance for six or so months, then moved in together with no "safety net" in place. (But I think it has worked out well.) Luckly you and David have more options

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

sure your opinion matters. :) I was going to chatter at you this week about how I think we might continue to work out together - even if I moved. just the two of heading to the gym straight from work rather than going home first. Meaning - bothof us pack a gym bag - and I'd walk to Caltrain and you'd head home. anyways - something think about grrlfriend. :)

[moved.livejournal.com]

I squeed a lil bit for you. ;)

Sounds like a logical and good plan to me!

[khrysso.livejournal.com]

:-)

I think you probably mean "moot"... Though it's true, your past relationships do indeed lack voices in your current and future decisions, if you're living in the now—and why shouldn't you be?

[grizzlyzone.livejournal.com]

Investigate doggie daycare. That's what Google is for.

http://maps.google.com/maps?rls=com.microsoft:en-us&oe=UTF-8&rlz=1I7ADBF_en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=palo+alto+dog+day+care&fb=1&split=1&gl=us&view=text&ei=KNPzSY33Od6MtgfPocWfDw&sa=X&oi=local_group&resnum=1&ct=more-results&cd=1#

[joebehrsandiego.livejournal.com]

Isn't a sane, rational (and cute) BF a wonderful thing?

(Rhetorical question directed to both you and David. :>))

Keep us posted!

[airporter.livejournal.com]

You've obviously already realized this, but you're doing just fine. Take your time and continue being so considerate of each other, and you'll find just the right balance and timing. *hugs*

[gorkabear.livejournal.com]

Mmm
I like your cautious approach. While it seems a great idea, we can't just leave everything and just move in. I think it will be a "yes" and you won't regret, but do things right :)

[tonethbone.livejournal.com]

A smart approach....

[abqdan.livejournal.com]

From everything you've written over the last year, I think it's wonderful that you guys are at least going to take it for a test drive. Adding nearly two hours of commute time to your life is a huge undertaking, no matter the emotional situation; and Miss Kate's considerations are equally huge. I hope the test week is all you hope it will be!

[shirtlifterbear.livejournal.com]

It's not jumping in, it's just surrendering to the hope of happiness!

Bravo for testing the waters of domestic bliss!