(#92/365) Offerings

“When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again, but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding. We must have the courage to face whatever is present / our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love / everything that moves us most deeply.”- Jack Kornfield


Flickr: Gandalf Crossing
Flickr User courtneybolton

making things

I have been writing in my handwritten journal (which I try to write in for 20 minutes after morning meditation every morning) - a great deal about the role of "fantasy" in my life these days. When I lived in Idaho (for those of you new to my journey I lived in Idaho from 1999 to 2006) fantasy was an integral part of simply getting through things. It should come as now surprise that conservative Mormon Idaho is a tough place for gay people. After having coming out in Vancouver BC (Canada) and Seattle - I was used to - and was expecting a gay community full of diversity and no shame about their sexuality or their sexiness. (is that a word? sexiness?) Well - lets just say that queers in Idaho were far more conservative and afraid of sex than I'd ever thought gay people could be. So I pop on the scene in 1999 - HIV+, outspoken, unabashed - - it didn't go well. Boise has a gay discussion group - and at the first one my partner at the time, Mr. Rogers, and I hosted - - I decided to throw a Seattle style safer sex party - complete with condoms, dental dams and frank talk about how to have sex in the age of HIV. The reaction to my sex positivity was immediate - and for some of those poor men, permanent. My frankness about sex - from blowjobs to fucking to watersports - was frightening to them. One man spoke up at the party - in front of everyone - and asked how - as an HIV+ I could continue to have sex at all - leave alone with an HIV- partner. His basic position was - you fucked yourself into having HIV - so you should now be celibate. that was in 1999 - and I had 6 more years in Boise. In 2004 - Mr. Rogers and I broke up - and it was like out of the frying pan and into the fire. Nobody would date me - because by that point I'd become a bit of a political spokesperson (on the front of the paper as the face of the "gay agenda") and well - still sticking was my HIV status.

So - - back to my original point - that when I lived in Idaho - fantasy was very important. I read a lot of internet porn and used the internet (through sites like Recon) to connect with other folks and confirm for myself that I wasn't the odd man out for wanting all these things. and this fantasy "place" is where my first novel came from as well; so I'm thankful for it.

but what I've been processing in my journal is how since I moved to the Bay Area - going on four years ago now - I've been working to be less about fantasies in my head and on the internet - and more about making things happen for myself in real time. Then in 2008 - I met Dave. and he and I share a bond that relies on each other speaking up and saying "have you ever tried that?" - or "have you ever fantasized about this?" and then we do research, make a Mr. S shopping trip - and well we try it in real time. The impact on how I percieve things - and how I value these ideas has really changed as a result.

I still go out and read at Nifty Erotic Archive and such - but - I work hard on taking notes in my journal - (you shoudl see my desktop at home, sticky notes all over it - - ) about things I want to try and places I want to explore. I usually spend a few minutes before bed - and after my evening working on ze'novel - traveling somewhere on the net - and thinking - is this a place I want to visit (whether thats a sexual idea or a physical place)

The freedom to express my feelings and reach out for what I want has started bleeding out into my non-erotic/sexual life as well. What an unexpected benefit! The drawing class, the piano lessons, the bike rides, the new novel - - - all of it - is coming from this new sense of "if you don't ask for it - you are never going to get it."

It's truly not for everyone - this version of me that just gets his hands dirty and DOES. (when i do talk to my ex in Idaho on the phone I can hear him rolling his eyes over the telephone) Another key is that David is unfailingly supportive of every idea - from the naugtiest to the creative. and I have a cadre of key friendships who even if they do cringe and go you are "what'ing to who?" they support my adventure.

I'm not sure this post really communicated what I set out to say - but reading it over it's a good report card on one of the key changes I wanted to make in my life when I moved to the Bay Area. I spend less time daydreaming - and more time "ooh that sounds fun - how do I make that happen?" It has ended up in a happiness quotient and fulfillment level I never thought I would personally reach.

(#93/365) Offerings

Usually - my daily offerings are a simple quote - but today - I decided to read you an essay by one of my favorite Buddhist Teachers, Pema Chodron. Chodron is an ordained Buddhist Nun - and this reading is from her book "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" that was featured on the "Dog-Eared Page" in the April 2010 SUN Magazine. In the article Chodron lays out the three basic principal characteristics of human existence: impermanance, egolessness and suffering/dissatisfaction.

This is a favorite piece - and I'm very happy to share it with you. The video runs a little over ten minutes - because I tried to read it slowly - so you could understand me.