smack!

[thoreau]

Yesterday I was forwarded a conversation from a fellow LJer that was like watching my personality be set up at a kid's party like a pinata - and smacked at with a stick. I friended someone - and he posted to his journal behind a friends-only lock that he didn't care for me - and was pissed and frustrated I'd friended him. and then he and his other LJ buds went on a thankfully short - but nonetheless disappointing Bob bashing spree.

The surprising thing about it all is that with the exception of two of the folks in the conversation - I don't think I've even MET these guys in person. I couldn't pick them out of a lineup. They seemed to have spectacular insight into my personality - and my reasons for being on Livejournal.

I can't be friends with everyone - nobody can.

But - it serves as an interesting lesson in how the web works:

• Be nasty enough - and someone will cut and paste your friends-only posts and forward them on as if they were public domain.
• LJ Friends aren't real friends - unless you can take the conversation off journal and really know someone. If you base your entire opinion of someone off what they "lj" - you are making a giant sized mistake. None of us posts a well-rounded view of ourselves. Nobody.
• I've never seen a forum like LJ where people will create bile and hate - and just revel in it. Some of the commentors on this post are people I've crossed paths with, and had to defriend for one reason or another - right there at the gullet to keep sparing about things about me, that they really don't know. all based on Lj-drama - which in some cases is years and years old. That's sad.

The saddest part is that it cost me to lose all respect for someone I really liked. Someone I've been "lj-friends" and I thought at least cursory real-life friends with for years - and that was sad.

Human nature makes us create these preconceived notions of one another - from whatever input we get - real life or lj or 'what I heard after soinsodatedsoandso or soinsofuckedsoandso. Unfortunately - it's part of the game. Just be careful for your karma's sake - that you don't type it out on Livejournal or some other online forum - where your shallowness can be broadcast for everyone to see clearly.

Comments

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

hugs

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the 'hugs' Drew.... :) I'm actually okay. These folks obviously have so little going on - that open season on someone they don't know seems 'okay'. I just feel sad for them honestly.

but thanks for the hug....

Pardon my language,

[notdefined.livejournal.com]

but Jesus fucking Christ! Who would do such a damned thing? Although rewarding backstabbing in kind is not necessarily a good thing, I believe you should post the entire thing INCLUDING who it was from and the comments. People who know you will know it is vile bullshit and maybe that will put a stop to it. I've been fortunate in that the people I have come to know on LJ and subsequently in person have been wonderful with just a few exceptions. Of the latter, I've just let them drift away.

Re: Pardon my language,

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

doing so would make me no better - it felt good to talk about the entire situation WITHOUT pointing fingers or naming names - and letting karma take care of it. The post was more about - whatever you type out there on LJ - behind a cut - or behind a lock - if it's true shallow bile - it'll get copied and pasted.

[osodecanela.livejournal.com]

Well that sucks, big time. I'm sorry you got burned.

There ARE people who use their blogs to vent their spleens. I've gratefully only seen a small amount of it here, but I have seen it. You're right in that it tells us more about them and much less about the person they're either gossiping about or bashing, but one has to be savvy enough to step back far enough, to read between the lines and recognize that. NO matter what, it's still uncomfortable for the person who's the victim of their invectives and/or betrayal.

Seeing it saddens me, not only for the person being 'done wrong' but for the people doing the bashing or gossiping. What happened to them, in their own socialization to make them think spitting vitriol in private person's direction is either warranted or socially acceptable. They wouldn't do it in a social setting. (Not if their mama raised them right, as a southern friend of mine is so fond of saying.) Why is it any more acceptable in a public, albeit electronic forum?

For what its worth, I like reading what you have to say. I've found it thoughtful, entertaining, and at times titillating. I hope you continue to write the way you have.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I didn't get "burned" - I got disappointed. and that is very different.

[osodecanela.livejournal.com]

By the way, I'd hoped to see you at the LJ picnic yesterday. I'm sorry it wasn't in the cards for you.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I just had too much to do yesterday - it's the first LJ picnic I've ever missed. Gary and I coordinated the first one three years ago when I first joined LJ.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Well, especially since the Lj picnic was Bob's idea in the first place ... None of us goes through life unscathed, we all make choices that sometimes aren't the best, but we do as well as we can. I've seen a lot of what you speak. I treat people as they treat me and will not have anyone dictate who I do interact with and who I don't.

At least the idea/intent of the picnic lives on and brings people together ...

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

I answered osodecanela's comment before I saw yours.

The timing of the picnic yesterday was just bad - with my first shift at the Legion and all.

but - the picnic WAS a success......

[use2bshy.livejournal.com]

Some people just never get beyond JR High School.

[brunorepublic.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's pretty rotten. I'm sorry to hear that anyone would be such a hater toward you, especially if they've never met you. It's not like you're a vortex of negative energy or something like that.

FWIW, I very seldom see character assassination on LJ, and even then it usually only involves people with, shall we say, "extreme social issues" (think jackal or bigboxbear).

I've never seen a forum like LJ where people will create bile and hate - and just revel in it.

I take it that you have never seen 4chan...

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

i think these boys actually thought the conversation was "just between them" - but it's not when you have nearly one-hundred people on your "friends-list". and he wasn't being a hater - it was saying WAY more about him - than about me. I moved here - found a great job almost immediately - released a novel in May (A NOVEL!) that is selling great! - I have a great home by myself without the usually necessary roommate or two. My move to San Francisco has been a great success!

Now - you know it came also with some VERY hard lessons and dissapointments. emotionally and financially and spiritually. and I'm learning from those. There is a huge difference when someone gets knocked off the path hard - and just stays there. But i'm doing proactive things to LEARN and improve.

I am hardly static and immobile.

[four-miles.livejournal.com]

<3

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

<3 back. :)

[eric-mathgeek.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry this has happened. You're not the first I know that it's happened to.

I always wonder who on my flist is most likely to be one of *those* people...

:(

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

as I've said to other commenters - - it's disappointing; and that's all. It's more a lesson for all LJers to know that nothing we share here can't be immediately cut and paste elsewhere.

[annoyinghandle.livejournal.com]

That's a drag that they went all "Mean Girls" on you, sweetie. At least we, your real-life friends, will read you to your face ;{)}

Hugs....

Love you, Dave....

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

dont hate me because I'm beautiful - you'll find other reasons.....

[wrascalbc.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry you got mis-treated. I can't cook worth a damn and I even manage to burn orange juice but I like watching Bob's Kitchen.

And the behind-the-scenes stuff.
:o)

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

again - the point of the post wasn't that I got mistreated. but that when you mistreat someone or talk negatively and irresponsibly about someone on LJ - it WILL find a way to the person you are talking about.

I'm a strong, happy guy - - and the opinions of a few guys that I don't even know - hardly derail me.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

hmmm ... what is your reasoning behind locking the journal? nothing wrong with it per se, but I'd hate to see you restricted just because someone is being a bitch.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

you make a real good point actually. as usual.

Perhaps I don't need to lock my journal.

I m sorry to see that you're going to friends only.

[ursusarctos.livejournal.com]

When I started LJ, I debated doing that. I then ran across your and a few other journals which regularly make me think, wonder WTF, laugh, wince, or look at myself. If you had been *friends only* I would not have otherwise been, um, exposed to you. Thank you for putting a side of yourself out there.
For all my years online, I have developed many acquaintances and a FEW real friends out of online communities. I'm grateful for the friends, and enjoy the acquaintances. Sometimes the supposed anonymity of online culture lets people show their true self. In this case it's likely a good thing you didn't have much invested in growing these acquaintances into friends.
After reading LJs a bit, it occurred to me that the closed journals gave people a "freedom" to be bitchy. I have nothing against bitchiness. Hell, I can raise it to an art form on a good day. Just do it in the light of day and be prepared for the fallout. The juvenile slamming of someone because you think word won't get back to them has always puzzled me. It seems so magnified online. I take it as part of the landscape and move on. Having a really thick skin and being somewhat clueless is sometimes a blessing for me. *BG*
I hate to hear that some guys had a slice/dice on your dime. Their loss.

Re: I m sorry to see that you're going to friends only.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

you posted this point - exactly as the same time as Bill in Montreal. I guess I don't need to be "behind a lock" because others are just behaving like kids. Thanks Mr. Arctos!

[loves-gay-sex.livejournal.com]

Thank you for keeping me in the loop with the filters. I know we have just recently "met," so it was nice to be able to read this, esp when it is the kind of thing I've been learning over the last few years. I would not have been offended to be left out of the loop. As a matter-of-fact, it is my goal in life to reach a point where I CAN'T be offended.

The saddest part is that it cost me to lose all respect for someone I really liked. Someone I've been "lj-friends" and I thought at least cursory real-life friends with for years

It is sad. But I can also see that you know that this wasn't really about YOU. It was all about him. It is really sad that he is this way. You obviously are a good man and worthy of more. There are six billion people on this planet. You can live without him. Too bad you have to.

(((HUG)))

[grimmbear.livejournal.com]

We've only friended recently but i can't imagine anyone being unkind to you.
Let them stew. let them rant. evil feeds on itself.

[tonethbone.livejournal.com]

Not good

Sorry Robert

[bearzendurham.livejournal.com]

Hugs.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

as I said to Drew in an earlier comment - it's not a "hug" inducing post. It's just that people can be SOOOOO shallow - and purposefully nasty. It's just disappointing.

[dendren.livejournal.com]

I hate the lj term "friends"... at best they are "subscribers" to your journal. People get SO tweaked when you de-friend them it's amazing. Luckily for the most part I've avoided big lj-drama with one notable exception but I just don't get why people are so wigged out with things on here.

I do have to say that LJ has been a GREAT way for me to meet people, probably the best meeting place I've ever encountered in my life. But ultimately it's only been the meeting place and has taken time for them to become friends after they joined my list. Don't sweat the jerk who de-friended you, clearly he wasn't really a friend at all.

[low-fat-muffin.livejournal.com]

thanks Mr. Dendren! :) It was just weird to read someone's entry (whom I honestly don't know) have such strong aggressive opinions about me and my life. As for the friend I lost over it - he apparently wasn't a quality guy to begin with... and that's just disappointing more than anything else.

[kevnetik.livejournal.com]

Somehow, sometime, it gets back to who it is about.

I had someone de-friend me because...

nevermind - not going there -

Yea you for the karma high road attitude. You're super and I love what you write.

Peddle that book here in Cincinnati, and I'll meet you - we'll do lunch - then I'm more than just a LJ friend.

[sfmini.livejournal.com]

So 7th grade. I find a lot of that here. And these are grown men.

Sorry this happened to you. At whatever level you handle it, it's still an unpleasant (and unnecessary) thing to have happen.

[krypto38801.livejournal.com]

Damn. I got busted <:) 'Kay, I'll start doing penance...how many paperclips do I have to shove in my urethra THIS time? *this is gonna hurt....*

[jhitchin.livejournal.com]

My own personal rule is post nothing to LJ that I wouldn't mind my mother reading. Locked posts aren't private as you well know. :-)

[danibearess.livejournal.com]

.
I've done my share of LJ drama too, take a deep breath and go towards goodness.

that (staying in the joy) SpencerBear

[hereticsoul.livejournal.com]

Oh man...that sucks and in the worst of all possible ways, Robert. Everybody has turbulence in their lives and nobody's life could stand up for judgment as something flawless. I've always respected your courage for being open with some of the most personal dimensions of your life....the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's a pity that someone abused that openness to demonstrate just how much of the ugly they have in abundance.

Hugs, babe....I adore you :)

[beastbriskett.livejournal.com]

The only reason to bash a pinata is 'cause there's all that sweet stuff inside.
Fuck 'em. Or better yet...dont.